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Fucking morons. I was recently assaulted by the stupidity in this article about 10 choices to snack healthily at work. Let me give you some highlights:

4. Fage 0% Greek Yogurt or Stoneyfield Farms Low-Fat Organic Yogurt

The problem here is who eats just low fat yogurt? You’re going to add something for flavor and that something is going to be worse then just eating a damn candy bar because now you have to overcome the pungent sour of yogurt.

7. McCann’s Irish Steel Cut Oatmeal or Arrowhead Mills Organic Original Instant Oatmeal

Instant oatmeal either tastes like crap or is full of sugar and while I love steel cut oats, last time I checked you had to cook them for a half hour. What kind of snack takes a half hour?

photo credit: ulterior epicure

9. Sweet Riot Chocolate Covered Cacao Nibs (for the occasional afternoon chocolate craving)

$5 for a one ounce tin. Seriously. You can get illegal drugs for less then this. Kill your appetite and get more done. This list is moronic because it doesn’t look at why we snack, if it did they’d see that zero fat Greek yogurt isn’t doing me any good.

Why do we snack?

There are two main reasons, the first being boredom. That’s why even though you have the apple sitting in your desk you’re going to walk to the candy machine. The apple is boring. That’s also why baby cut carrots can sometimes work as a snack. They are interesting(to your mouth at least, I don’t think I’d have a conversation with one).

The second is low blood sugar. Your body is telling you it needs more fuel and your concentration is going to keep fading until it gets it.

These two facts help us figure out real quick what we don’t want at work. Nothing that will make our sugar spike(I’m looking at you snickers bar) because that’s just going to make us crash and need to eat again in an hour. And nothing we’re going to keep eating and eating and eating out of boredom because that’s going to make you feel like you swallowed a self inflating life vest.
photo credit: ??

How should we snack at work?

A few simple rules keep everything running smoothly:

• Plan to snack. Make sure you bring stuff every day and eat it before you get hungry to preempt low blood sugar.
• Regulate how much you eat by regulating how much you bring. Don’t keep a 1 pound jar of peanuts in your desk, you’ll eat the whole thing in a day. Bring it in from home a bag at a time. In fact those half-sandwich bags they have now are perfect for this.
• Make sure there are always choices. I usually have 3 snacks a day, each is different. That helps alleviate the whole boredom thing and stops me from finishing all 3 bags of popcorn at once.
• Bring things you have to eat. Stuff that will go bad in a day or so is a little motivational help to keep you from going to the candy machine.

So what’s a real top 10 work snack list look like?

1. Diced Apple: I know I’m the last person you would expect to recommend fruit and I specifically called apples boring. But something about the mouth feel of diced fruit works for that snack craving, way better than the whole thing. And it’s got enough sugar to raise your blood sugar while having enough fiber to stop it from spiking.
2. Popcorn: Not the overpriced popcorn she recommended but home popped popcorn. If you buy it in bulk it’s almost free and as long as you limit your portions(half sandwich bag) it’s a great snack.
3. Hard boiled egg: Fills you up and you won’t over eat unless you in a 1960s prison movie.
4. Baby carrots: Perfect for that boredom eating fixation with zero calories and lots of crunching.
5. 16 oz bottle of water: Along the same lines as the carrots, sometimes we’re not really hungry we just want to consume something. If I know my blood sugar can’t be low I try downing a bottle of water, that usually kills any urges.
6. Extra sandwich: This is a low effort one. If you’re already making a sandwich just make a second one, cut it up into quarters and bag each separately. This is the easiest way to keep your blood sugar at peak throughout the day.
7. Celery with peanut butter: The best of both worlds. Lots for your mouth to crunch on and peanut butter is just about perfect for staving off hypoglycemia.
8. Shrimp chips: These things are about the greatest snack ever. I sneak them into movie theaters. But don’t bring more than one bag, because you will eat them all.
9. String cheese: The one thing she did get right(although I wouldn’t buy that over priced brand she suggested). This stuff is interesting to eat and will give you a nice slow energy boost.
10. Spicy peanuts: You’ll never eat too many because you can only get as far as the burn before the snacking urge leaves you. This has the added bonus of building up your heat tolerance so the next time you go for Thai food you don’t look like a pussy.