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There’s a lot of misinformation and out and out lies floating around out there about burgers. Thin patties cook faster(they just overcook faster), lean meat is healthier(nothing healthy about a crumbly burger) and that mixing ketchup into the patty does anything but suck.

So in order to clear up the crap I hereby present to you the rules for making a bad ass burger:

1. Don’t fuck with it. This is the hardest one for people to follow. If you people feel like kneading something make bread. Over mixing ground beef just gives you tough burgers. Mix it very little and make the patties very loose.
2. I said don’t fuck with it. Put the patties on the grill and don’t touch. Don’t keep flipping them, don’t move them from a hot spot to a cool spot and for the love of God don’t press down on them. If I ever catch you pressing down on a burger while it cooks I will kill you with your own spatula.Put the patties on the grill, close the grill, wait 4 minutes(on high) and flip them once. Put cheese on at this point and then close the grill for another 4 minutes. That’s it!If you’re cooking inside you can put a metal bowl over the top of the pan.
3. The purists have a point. I don’t agree with the whole “A burger should be pure beef only” mentality, but the zealots are right about some things. With burger recipes there is a tendency to mix in more and more crap until you’re basically grilling meatloaf, and that’s not cool. So keep the mixins to a minimum, make sure they are cooked before hand and are at least room temperature so the burger cooks evenly. And never, ever put pure cheese in the middle. You’ll end up with super hot oil and cheese curd floating around in the middle of your hamburger. Not cool.
4. Do not fear the fat. I’m amazed and how hard it is for people to learn this lesson. If you’re a fat phobe then just stay away from burgers. Ideally your meat should be 80/20, that’s 80 percent leand and 20 percent fat. Any less and the burger won’t hold together. If all you have is 85/15 then you can, just this once, mix in a tablespoon of vegetable oil for every pound of beef. But you have to admit to everyone who eats at your house that you’re a douche.
5. Season well but don’t spice. Or at least not unless you intend to. The thing about salt and pepper is that in the right amounts they bring out flavors but you don’t taste theirs. That’s seasoning. I go with a half teaspoon each per pound of beef, mixed in to the patties.
6. You can’t have bad ass burgers without bad ass patties. That means you under mix, season and gently form your 6 ounce patties about a half hour before cooking so they can reach room temperature. They should be a little round so you can lightly flatten them(not smash) just before cooking. And don’t forget to make an indent with your thumb as you put them on the grill, this will stop that “burger shaped like a baseball” problem that sometimes creeps up on you.
7. Rolls matter. A good burger on wonderbread is like a Ferrari rolling on doughnuts. Get fresh baked rolls(I prefer potato) and toast them lightly before eating. I also recommend a thin layer of mayonnaise on each side of the roll as this will prevent soakage and, when it mixes with the hamburger juices, it creates nature’s perfect sauce. Just stay light on the mayo, you shouldn’t be able to taste it on it’s own.

So there you have it, the 7 rules to a bad ass burger. Follow them and a world of perfect summer grilling is yours. Break them and you’ll be cursed to an eternity of wishing you had gone to McDonalds(a fate worse than death).

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photo credit: bayat

Being able to eyeball common measurements is a necessity if you’re a cook. It’s way faster, especially for things that need to be cleaned off your measuring spoons before you can use them again(damn you olive oil). It’s also more intuitive and you have to develop those senses if you plan to start experimenting and moving up the culinary ranks. So here are a few tips on getting started eyeballing it:

1. When don’t you eyeball it: Generally if you’re adding something for flavor then estimating it is fine. If you’re going for some kind of chemical reaction, then eyeballing it is not acceptable. This is why cooks are usually terrible bakers, they refuse to follow the book. But 1 pint of buttermilk and 1/4 tsp of baking soda will raise 1 cup of sifted flour. 1/5 of a tsp of baking soda will not work.
2. Use the same dishes: You have to learn by looking with the same dishes each time. A half cup will look different in your ice cream bowl or your coffee cup, use the same one each time until you know what you’re doing.
3. Learn by feel: Humans have an amazing capacity for muscle memory and learning timing. That’s why I can still get through the first level of Super Mario Bros. in 48 seconds. Use that, remember how long pouring a tablespoon of oil feels like.
4. Set out to learn: You have to decide you’re going to learn. You have to look at a 1/3 of a cup in a dish and take that mental snapshot so you can get that measure next time. You have to think about how long it’s taking you to pour a tablespoon or that muscle memory isn’t going to set up. Spend a few nights making meals you already know so you can concentrate on getting the measures down.
5. Remember the easy ones:
   1. 1 squeeze of the honey bottle is about 1 tbs
   2. 1 pinch = 1/8 of a tsp

Spend a little time practicing. In the long run you’ll not only save time(both cooking and cleaning) but you’ll develop a feel for cooking you never could have otherwise.

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Fucking morons. I was recently assaulted by the stupidity in this article about 10 choices to snack healthily at work. Let me give you some highlights:

4. Fage 0% Greek Yogurt or Stoneyfield Farms Low-Fat Organic Yogurt

The problem here is who eats just low fat yogurt? You’re going to add something for flavor and that something is going to be worse then just eating a damn candy bar because now you have to overcome the pungent sour of yogurt.

7. McCann’s Irish Steel Cut Oatmeal or Arrowhead Mills Organic Original Instant Oatmeal

Instant oatmeal either tastes like crap or is full of sugar and while I love steel cut oats, last time I checked you had to cook them for a half hour. What kind of snack takes a half hour?

photo credit: ulterior epicure

9. Sweet Riot Chocolate Covered Cacao Nibs (for the occasional afternoon chocolate craving)

$5 for a one ounce tin. Seriously. You can get illegal drugs for less then this. Kill your appetite and get more done. This list is moronic because it doesn’t look at why we snack, if it did they’d see that zero fat Greek yogurt isn’t doing me any good.

Why do we snack?

There are two main reasons, the first being boredom. That’s why even though you have the apple sitting in your desk you’re going to walk to the candy machine. The apple is boring. That’s also why baby cut carrots can sometimes work as a snack. They are interesting(to your mouth at least, I don’t think I’d have a conversation with one).

The second is low blood sugar. Your body is telling you it needs more fuel and your concentration is going to keep fading until it gets it.

These two facts help us figure out real quick what we don’t want at work. Nothing that will make our sugar spike(I’m looking at you snickers bar) because that’s just going to make us crash and need to eat again in an hour. And nothing we’re going to keep eating and eating and eating out of boredom because that’s going to make you feel like you swallowed a self inflating life vest.
photo credit: ??

How should we snack at work?

A few simple rules keep everything running smoothly:

• Plan to snack. Make sure you bring stuff every day and eat it before you get hungry to preempt low blood sugar.
• Regulate how much you eat by regulating how much you bring. Don’t keep a 1 pound jar of peanuts in your desk, you’ll eat the whole thing in a day. Bring it in from home a bag at a time. In fact those half-sandwich bags they have now are perfect for this.
• Make sure there are always choices. I usually have 3 snacks a day, each is different. That helps alleviate the whole boredom thing and stops me from finishing all 3 bags of popcorn at once.
• Bring things you have to eat. Stuff that will go bad in a day or so is a little motivational help to keep you from going to the candy machine.

So what’s a real top 10 work snack list look like?

1. Diced Apple: I know I’m the last person you would expect to recommend fruit and I specifically called apples boring. But something about the mouth feel of diced fruit works for that snack craving, way better than the whole thing. And it’s got enough sugar to raise your blood sugar while having enough fiber to stop it from spiking.
2. Popcorn: Not the overpriced popcorn she recommended but home popped popcorn. If you buy it in bulk it’s almost free and as long as you limit your portions(half sandwich bag) it’s a great snack.
3. Hard boiled egg: Fills you up and you won’t over eat unless you in a 1960s prison movie.
4. Baby carrots: Perfect for that boredom eating fixation with zero calories and lots of crunching.
5. 16 oz bottle of water: Along the same lines as the carrots, sometimes we’re not really hungry we just want to consume something. If I know my blood sugar can’t be low I try downing a bottle of water, that usually kills any urges.
6. Extra sandwich: This is a low effort one. If you’re already making a sandwich just make a second one, cut it up into quarters and bag each separately. This is the easiest way to keep your blood sugar at peak throughout the day.
7. Celery with peanut butter: The best of both worlds. Lots for your mouth to crunch on and peanut butter is just about perfect for staving off hypoglycemia.
8. Shrimp chips: These things are about the greatest snack ever. I sneak them into movie theaters. But don’t bring more than one bag, because you will eat them all.
9. String cheese: The one thing she did get right(although I wouldn’t buy that over priced brand she suggested). This stuff is interesting to eat and will give you a nice slow energy boost.
10. Spicy peanuts: You’ll never eat too many because you can only get as far as the burn before the snacking urge leaves you. This has the added bonus of building up your heat tolerance so the next time you go for Thai food you don’t look like a pussy.