fatbastardeats.com

photo credit: markoplex

I’d intended to buy a crock-pot all along, talking to her was just a bonus. She was a cute little red head with just enough chub on her to know that in her 30s her body was going to go to hell. But today she looked good. Damn good.

So when she walked past I gave my best scrunchy, confused face. She asked if I was lost and I started telling her I need a crock-pot and didn’t know what I was looking at. She launched into a compassionate explanation(women love the ‘men as children’ myth) of all the features each one had and which I wanted.

“That one only has 5 quarts, you want at least 6. And a timer, you need a timer. What if you go away for a weekend and want pot roast when you come home?”

photo credit: disavianHer cleavage distracted me from the fact that I was planning to leave meat on the counter for 2 days and then eat it, and I agreed with everything she said. I bought the most expensive, name brand model they had and carried it over to the checkout with her(all the while trying to act like it felt really light to me because I work out so much).

I knew my mistake as soon as they rang it up. It’s a bit intimidating to pay over $100 for something you’ve used once and know nothing about. And now I have to eat from this thing 6 quarts at a time. But I didn’t say anything right then, because she was still there.

So I walked her to her car. We talked about all the things I could make in my new crock-pot. I asked if she could come over and show me some because they sounded awfully complicated. She said no, her boyfriend probably wouldn’t like that. Son of a Bitch.

So as soon as she got in her car I hoofed that crock-pot back in and returned it. I didn’t even wait for her to drive away at that point. By the way, they look at you a little funny when you return something you bought 5 minutes ago and then buy the less expensive model. I never knew that Bed Bath and Beyond employees were so judgmental.

So I got this model:

It’s served me really well. Firstly it’s 4 quarts, which means you can make about 3 quarts of food at a time. That’s a lot for a single guy. With the 6 quart one you have to make at least 3 quarts and I don’t like that kind of commitment. It’s not very feature rich, has 3 heat settings. But they’ve done fine by me so far.

And it’s cheap. While I don’t think you should cheap out when you know you want something, if you’re unsure and trying something new then I say always spend little enough you won’t regret it. That goes for crock-pots and hookers.

It is, in short, the perfect starter crock-pot for a single guy. Is it what I’d get now? No. But I’ll talk about that later.

Chili is, as I stated yesterday, very Zen. But even Zen can use a hand every now and then too. And is there ever a more helping hand than Cornbread?(wait what?) This is the Capote cornbread recipe that I heard about from Serious Eats and that was originally printed in The Cornbread Gospels. It’s awesome(almost a giant cornbread pancake) and it allows you to reuse those bacon drippings from the Chili(besides just pouring them in a tumbler and drinking them):

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon butter or bacon drippings
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups buttermilk
• 1 teaspoon sugar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 cups stone-ground white cornmeal

Procedure

1. Preheat oven to 450°F. Place the butter or drippings in a 10-inch cast iron skillet; place it in the oven.
2. Combine the eggs and buttermilk in a small bowl or measuring cup, whisking together well with a fork.
3. In a medium bowl, combine the sugar, salt, baking soda, and cornmeal; stir well to combine.
4. Stir the egg mixture into the dry ingredients, beating just until the dry ingredients are moistened and no more.
5. Pull the skillet from the oven. It should be hot, with the fat sizzling. Swirl the pan to coat. Quickly transfer batter to skillet; return skillet to oven.
6. Bake until browned and pulling away from skillet, 20 to 25 minutes. Serve hot, in wedges.

photo credit: loveberry

Men have a natural Zen like quality. We like simple. We like beer and dogs and football, all simple. There is a bit of complexity in football, but luckily we have a ref there to sort it out. If we ever wonder whether something is in or out, the ref removes all doubt. Thanks ref. Simple.

photo credit: Vox Efx

We also like Chili, because Chili is (unbeknownst to the Japanese) very Zen. It’s simple. It’ meat, beans, tomatoes and chilies. It’s balanced, the fat of the meat offsets the tang of the tomatoes and the heat of the chilies is countered by the bulk of the beans. But like most things Zen there’s a lot more under the surface than you would imagine. Chili is very versatile, it goes with any carbohydrate(well, maybe not pasta) and can even be added to whole dishes to bring out their flavor(hence the sublime chili dog).

photo credit: Lan Bui

But the problem with Chili has always been that it takes hours on the stove to cook. Unless you have a pressure cooker, which is essentially an expensive bomb you’re putting over an open flame. Luckily we have a Crock-pot.

With a Crock-pot the cooking time becomes an advantage. We just set it up in the morning and 10 hours later it’s ready for dinner. As opposed to 5 hours on the stove where we have to watch it. Simple.

• Canned
  • 2 cans (15 oz.) kidney beans, drained or(cheaper) 1 pound of dry beans. Don’t even have to soak them.
  • 1 can (28 oz.) tomatoes, cut up
  • 1 can (8 oz.) tomato sauce
• Spices
  • 2 medium cloves garlic minced
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 2 tbsp. chili powder
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1/8 tsp. pepper
• Meat
  • 6 strips bacon
  • 2 lbs. beef cut into 1 inch cubes
• Vegetables
  • 1 c. finely chopped onion
  • 1/2 cup diced carrots
  • 1/2 c. finely chopped green bell pepper
  • 1/2 c. finely chopped celery

Fry the bacon in your cast iron pan until it’s crisp, then cut it up using a pair of scissors and put to the side. Fry up the meat cubes in the drippings on high. We just want to brown the outside of the meat, it will cook in the Crock-pot.

Throw everything in the Crock-pot on low for about 10 hours(whenever the beans seem done and the beef is tender). Then you’re ready to eat.

By the way this freezes and reheats no problem.

photo credit: KellyK
We had a rule in my house. For the holidays, everyone brought something. But there was an unspoken rule as well, men brought something easy. All I had to make for Christmas Eve(we were people who celebrated Christmas Eve with one side of the family, Christmas with the other) until 1998 was green bean casserole. And I didn’t put a lot of thought into that either, as evidenced by the year we ate it topped with potato chips.Then I got a girlfriend, and things changed. We were expected to bring a real dish. Presumably one she cooked and I carried from the car. And one year I did my duty hauling in pan after pan of her roasted asparagus from my Honda civic.

photo credit: adactio

Then we broke up and next year my female relatives had a quandary. Without her contribution we would be shy of ‘real’ dishes. We’d have 7 jugs of green bean casserole, but that wasn’t good enough for them.

To solve their problem I volunteered to make potatoes. They snickered. I got a condescending lecture from my cousin on how hard potatoes were, the peeling and the boiling and making sure they take their potato vitamins. I think that’s what she said, I zoned out. From sheer spite I insisted on potatoes. Potatoes I would make with no helm from them because I was determined to prove them wrong.

Unfortunately my enthusiasm waned pretty quickly. In fact I did zero planning for the meal until the morning of Christmas Eve. I had also avoided any gift shopping up to that point, so I had a lot to do that day.

Luckily I found a bag of potatoes under the sink. I don’t know how
long they had been there, but I think they came with the house. I also found my moms old crock pot under there. In dusting that off I found a recipe book with a simple little 1-2-3 for au gratin potatoes.

photo credit: raysto

It seemed preordained. I sliced them, threw in some milk and cheese and turned the crock pot on. All through the disapproving looks of my mother I might add. Then I went out the door looking for something, anything to get my grandma. What do you get an old lady who smells like cat pee?

I came back from shopping and did my half assed attempt at wrapping all while the potatoes cooked all by their lonesome. They were done around 4, a fact I remembered around 6. But I checked them and nothing was burned or otherwise noticeable, so I decided it would be in everyone else’s best interest to be kept in the dark.

I pulled the crock out and put it on the table at 7:00. I endured the stinging glances of my aunts, the mocking threats of my brothers and the look of genuine fear on my mothers face. They were terrified(I don’t blame them, I’d never made anything fit for humans before) at what my lack of attention had grown in a crock pot.

But then they ate. And ate more.
And had thirds. The potatoes were great, in spite of the fact that I didn’t know how to cook. And that’s the real secret of crock-pottery. You can’t screw it up. I did everything in my power to ruin that meal and it still went perfect.

photo credit: iandavid

Until Mom told me I was cooking the turkey the next day.

photo credit: Mark Dye

Here’s a recipe for perfect cheesy potatoes I totally stole from Diary of a Stay At Home Mom. It is, in keeping with the spirit of the month, a crock pot recipe and it is, in keeping with me, awesome.

First it’s the easiest thing I ever made. Making masked potatoes(unless it’s the dandruff in a box) can be a pain. Boiling and peeling an mashing and oh, did I add salt yet? Should I add it now? On the other hand you just throw these in the pot and stir it once. That’s right once. And that pot is all you have to clean. No colanders or mashers or teapots full of milk and garlic. Just the crock pot.

Also it’s a great snack that microwaves perfect. I’ve been reheating these bad boys for a few days now and they’re great every time. Plus there’s enough fat in the cheese that eating them by themselves wont cause a blood sugar spike, as I’ve talked about before.

And this recipe is versatile. You can use any kind of potato, unlike most potato recipes which need a certain level of starch. So if you have a bag of Yukon golds laying around since December, throw them in.

Of course the most important thing is they taste great, and these do. And in terms of taste to work ratio they may be the best food ever. The only thing easier is instant potatoes, but I have to drown them in butter to make them somewhat palatable and I still can’t get the plasticy taste out of them.

So how do you make these spudly wonders? Here goes:

1. 2 cloves garlic
2. 1 tsp salt
3. 1/4 tsp black pepper
4. 2 lbs of sliced potatoes
5. 8 oz. cream cheese(1 package)
6. 1/2 onion

Smash the garlic and slice it thin(or run it through a garlic press) and dice the onion up fine. You might try this technique. Then cut your cream cheese into 1 inch cubs and slice your potatoes(if you don’t have one already you’re gonna need this, trust me).

In a small bowl combine scallions and garlic. In another one combine salt and pepper.

In greased crock, layer about a quarter of the potatoes on the bottom.

Then add a quarter of the salt and pepper mix and top with a third of the cream cheese, then a third of onion/garlic mix. (Get it? We’re doing layers.)

Make a second layer with a quarter of the potatoes and repeat with the salt, cheese and garlic. Repeat with a third layer of potatoes, and the remainder of everything else. Then make a final layer of potatoes.

Cover your crock and cook on high for 3 hrs. Then give it a stir(just to break up the potatoes and move some cheese around) and cook for another hour on high. Stir one last time and they’re good.

And don’t feel hemmed in to this recipe, it’s definitely one you can play around with. I’ve added a half cup of milk before and that worked out well, making the potatoes a little less dense. I’ve also used some different cheese combinations, but you’ll want to keep at least half cream cheese. It’s got the perfect texture for the perfect cheesy potatoes.