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Under normal circumstances I consider eating a large pizza all by myself an accomplishment.

There’s that point, usually when you have 3 slices to go, that it starts mocking you. “What’s a matter fatty? Eyes bigger than your stomach?”

This begets the decision. I’m full at this point, very full. It’s an odd feeling to look at food and not want to stuff it into my gullet but that’s where I’m at. It’s uncomfortable and I’m not used to it and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

On the other hand, there are only 3 pieces left. What good is that to me? If I put them in the fridge, they’ll be the first thing I eat in the morning. But that won’t be enough, I know it won’t. It never is. But I can’t very well make a full breakfast of bacon(sweet, sweet bacon), eggs and toast and just pile it on top of these 3 lonely slices. I mean that, I’ve tried.

So ultimately I take the challenge and set to work eating the pizza I have no interest eating. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding. It’s satisfying to know that once again, I’ve beaten an inanimate stack of protein, fat and simple carbohydrates. Job well done.

But then last night I had Papa Johns Pizza, and it was a different kind of challenge. Getting even the first bite of that slimy, charred yet undercooked(how did they even do that?) flattened stool sample was an exercise in will equal to withstanding water boarding. Greater, nobody charges you to get water boarded.

Papa Johns Pizza Really Sucks

The crust(I ordered a thin crust) was doughy. DOUGHY! It was like when you pull some bread out of the freezer and it’s covered with ice crystals and you microwave it, that goop that happens where the bread touches the plate. That was the support system for Papa Johns pizza. Seriously.

The cheese wasn’t even melted. Papa Johns gave me a bunch of flaccid, oily strands floating on top of dough goop. It wasn’t so much a pizza as a food-like wetland.

And yet Papa Johns Pizza managed to burn and dry out the toppings. Amazing. It’s like they sent the toppings through the oven a couple of times on their own, then threw them on top of raw dough and cheese counting on the residual heat to cook them.

Keep in mind, I’m not a picky guy. You don’t get to be the Fat Bastard by turning your nose up at food. And 9 times out of 10 when I want pizza I go the Little Caesars route(no pizza snobbery there). But Papa Johns Pizza was absolutely inedible.

And what did they charge me for this atrocity? $18.31! I guess Papa Johns Pizza charges extra for thin crust on the assumption you should be happy they’re giving you less. They have a point.

I know what I should do. I should look around for one of the local pizza places instead of messing with the chains, but I was just too lazy. The chains are usually better about price, but if I want quality I should have known better than to get Papa Johns Pizza.

So, how did you find your favorite pizza place? Did you have to follow around a bunch of fat Italian guys for a few days until they lead you there, or was it just sitting in the yellow pages, waiting?