fatbastardeats.com

I know that your microwave is nasty. Melted cheese, burned grease and a small colony of single celled organisms that adapted to survive in harsh environments. And I know that as far as you’re concerned it can stay that way.

I don’t blame you, cleaning a microwave is a pain in the ass. Everything in there is crusted on like a rock formation and it’s an awkward hole with little corners and nooks you can never quite get to. It’s kind of like being Big Foot’s proctologist.

But that’s because you’re trying to clean it like a woman. Woman seem to have it in their heads that cleaning has to be a lot of work or it’s not really clean, and somehow they transfered this daft concept onto us. If I hear one more woman over 50 explain to me that all you need to clean your house is a wet sponge and some elbow grease I’m gonna start kidnapping entire audiences from Oprah tapings and stranding them on a deserted island.

I’m not saying you should “work smarter, not harder,” douches say that. I’m saying you should work smart or not at all. And judging by the dismal state of your microwave you agree with me.

So here’s what you do, get a glass bowl and throw in about a cup of water and a half cup of white vinegar. This stuffs like $2 a gallon and is useful as hell for cleaning. Throw the bowl in the microwave on high for 5 to 10 minutes. Enough to get the water boiling really good so the vinegar steam can loosen the barnicles. Then a damp paper towl will wipe all that junk off. It’s that easy.

Oh, and vinegar has another awesome property. It kills odors, so you no longer have to be reminded of the time you hit an extra zero when you were making popcorn every time you want a hot pocket. Why on earth your sad sack would want a hot pocket we’ll save for another time.

Safty Warning: There is a small chance, very small, that your water won’t boil. Sometimes with a smooth container there’s no place for bubbles to form, if that first bubble never starts then your water won’t actually boil. The problem is that your water still has all the energy in it from being in the microwave for 10 minutes! That means that as soon as you touch the bowl, it will form one giant steam bubble and explode in a geyser of scalding dragon piss. Not cool.

There are 2 ways to avoid this:

1. You can watch the water and make sure it’s forming those bubbles, releasing the energy(assuming your microwave hasn’t caked over the window with the dregs of nachos past) and if it isn’t just turn everything off, let it cool down and try again.
2. Or you can introduce some other object in there that isn’t smooth for bubbles to form on. Like a wooden skewer or even a toothpick should work.

   

Like I said, it’s a small chance but I usually check my handy work at about 8 minutes and if it ever wasn’t bubbling I would get a little worried.