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There are some who say stuffing a hamburger is downright sacrilegious. That filling a burger up is an affront to a hundred years of American hamburgery. I can’t say that I entirely disagree, but at the same time the idea of having sacred cows when it comes to making hamburgers is so ironic if I think about my head might explode. So let me give you the rundown on stuffing burgers real quick.

Firstly no cheese. I know, that’s the first thing we want to stuff into anything and 90% of stuffed burger recipes call for it. But remember that cheese has to be melted very carefully and usually within some kind of sauce like a fondue. Big hunks of cheese floating in your burger have a tendency to separate into sludge and super hot oil that will burst out and burn your mouth with the first bite. It’s just not worth it.

What you want to stuff your burgers with is fresh herbs and vegetables. Stuff that would disintegrate from the direct heat of the grill. I usually take some grape tomatoes, quarter them, toss with fresh basil(pics) in a little olive oil and stuff a burger with that.

Or if you’re in the mood for a stronger flavor I make some fresh pesto with this recipe:

• 1 cup fresh basil and parsley mixed
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese(too dry to melt)
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
• 1 large garlic clove
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp pepper
• 1/3 cup of olive oil

Throw the whole thing in the blender or food processor and there you are.

Now the key to stuffing a burger with either of these concoctions is be gentle and not over stuff. Make your regular burger patty with 5 oz of meat then make a large indent in the center. Place a small amount of whatever you want to stuff with in the indent and then gently work the last ounce of meat over the top into a ‘cap’ of sorts. Then cook like you normally would and you’re golden.

Fuck off, there’s no such thing as a veggie burger. If you want to be a vegetarian fine, but lets not pretend you’re eating meat. Quorn or soy or whatever else they try and make a veggie burger out of is not meat. Will never be meat. I don’t know if the soul is what makes it taste better, but I know that fake meat tastes like fake meat.

You’d be better off miming eating a hamburger than eating some crap veggie burger.

The high priests of the cult of burger don’t believe in the stuffing and mixing that we’ve talked bout in this series. They think that a burger should be seasoned and grilled and any variety or flavor should come from sauces, condiments and discreetly applied produce. And they’re not too far off base. But even the simpler approach has some tenants we have to follow for true bad ass burger production:

• Sauces should be homemade and warm. It’s not worth your time to smother your burger in a store bought sauce(although worcester and steak sauce do mix with ground beef well) and sauces should always be warmed first. A cold sauce isn’t going to mix with the burgers juices and will end up floating on top.
• Condiments should be served room temperature. And while I don’t expect you to make your own ketchup making your own mustard is a great way to kick up your burgers. Just think about it.
  
• Veggies should be cold and crisp. Remember that tomatoes and lettuce are on a burger for contrast. And to keep that briskness they should be added at the last second. I would even suggest your soak the lettuce for an hour beforehand just to make sure it’s really ready to crunch.
• Cheese should be melted thoroughly or left the hell off. Don’t try to throw it on after the burger is already cooked, you’re only insulting the guy you give it to. Unless you want to insult him I guess.
• Bacon should be precooked. Not too crispy but definitely not soggy. We want people to break it with a bite. And for the love of all that’s holy do not try to cook it on the grill. Darwin may just have to teach you a lesson; bacon grease burns.
• Mayo vs. MAYO!!!!!! In the past I’ve advocated a thin layer of mayo on each side of the bun for both flavor and soakage reasons, but don’t misunderstand me. A thin veneer of mayo mixed with a hamburger’s juices makes an awesome sauce. Mayo piled on like linebackers on a QB does not. If you can pick out the mayo flavor in the burger you put too much. Be careful.

And tomorrow, my world famous Veggie Burger recipe.

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photo credit: Alex Kehr

I used to live in Germany for a couple of years and German food is surprisingly forgettable. But the food the Turks brought over there, that’s another story. My favorite was the Doner Kebab, very similar to the Scwharma sandwiches or Gyros you’d get here.

While making a real Doner Kebab is a bit beyond what we’re aiming for today I have found that using Eastern spices in a hamburger can help give it an exotic taste. Also a lot of people don’t like spicy food(a pox upon their souls). The Kebab Burger is a way to use spices without making something that’s ’spicy’, if you’re forced to entertain such heathens.

This recipe is, like all of our recipes, for four 6 oz patties. However with this one you can get away with using ground lamb. I have to warn you though that there isn’t enough fat to really hold the lamb together well. You’ll have to make it on the broiler instead of the grill to minimize crumbling. Other than meat the ingredients are:

• 1/4 tsp ground cumin
• 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground coriander
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 2 tbs chopped cilantro
• 1/2 tsp Hungarian paprika (optional)

Combine the meat with the other ingredients in a bowl and let it rest in the fridge for at least 3 hours, 6 would be better. This allows the spices to hydrate and reach their full flavor.

Cook normally, prepare the buns normally(including mayo) but don’t serve with regular condiments. Instead try mint yogurt and mango chutney(yes I said mango chutney, just fucking trust me, OK?)  It’s not quite the same as going to Turkey, but there are fewer flashbacks to Midnight Express.

Coming Soon, my world famous Veggie Burger recipe

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Here’s a great pizza burger recipe that’s also super simple but there’s a price. Really simple recipes require really quality ingredients. So when I say fresh mozzarella I mean that, not something that comes grated in a bag. And when I say 1 can of whole, peeled tomatoes I mean that, not tomato puree. And when I say a Korean prostitute with big hands and a soft voice I mean…well…you get the picture. So here are the ingredients:

• 1 8oz can whole, peeled tomatoes
• 2 cloves of garlic, at least 1 whole
• 1/4 TSP dried oregano
• 4oz of fresh mushrooms, sliced
• Fresh mozzerlla cheese, enough to cover 4 patties when slicedto however thick you want it
• 4 fresh, crusty rolls
• 1 TBS(approximatly) of olive oil
• Salt and pepper
• 4 6oz hamburger patties prepared right

Open the tomatoes and drain. Then either by hand or in a food processor dice them fine, but so there are still discernable cubes. Then run about a TBS through the blender(or food processor again) until you have a nice tomato puree. This is the part that binds the sauce together while the cubes will give a burst of tomato taste.

In a new bowl mix the tomato sauce, oregano, 1 clove of diced garlic and about a quarter TSP of olive oil. Let this mixture sit for a least an hour before you make your burgers so the oregano can hydrate.

Then cook the patties as you normally would. After that first flip place a spoonful of sauce on top(not too much) then layer the mozzarella on there and add mushrooms to taste.

Toward the end of the cooking cycle split your rolls and lay them face down over the grill. When they are nice and toasted take the remaining garlic clove and cut it in half. Pull the rolls off one at a time and brush the garlic clove against the toasted side. When they’re all off brush each with the remaining olive oil and add salt and pepper to taste(be generous).

There you have it, the most bad ass pizza burger you’re ever going to eat and with only a few simple ingredients. You’re welcome.

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• Next: Bad Ass Kebab Burger

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