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There’s a lot of misinformation and out and out lies floating around out there about burgers. Thin patties cook faster(they just overcook faster), lean meat is healthier(nothing healthy about a crumbly burger) and that mixing ketchup into the patty does anything but suck.

So in order to clear up the crap I hereby present to you the rules for making a bad ass burger:

1. Don’t fuck with it. This is the hardest one for people to follow. If you people feel like kneading something make bread. Over mixing ground beef just gives you tough burgers. Mix it very little and make the patties very loose.
2. I said don’t fuck with it. Put the patties on the grill and don’t touch. Don’t keep flipping them, don’t move them from a hot spot to a cool spot and for the love of God don’t press down on them. If I ever catch you pressing down on a burger while it cooks I will kill you with your own spatula.Put the patties on the grill, close the grill, wait 4 minutes(on high) and flip them once. Put cheese on at this point and then close the grill for another 4 minutes. That’s it!If you’re cooking inside you can put a metal bowl over the top of the pan.
3. The purists have a point. I don’t agree with the whole “A burger should be pure beef only” mentality, but the zealots are right about some things. With burger recipes there is a tendency to mix in more and more crap until you’re basically grilling meatloaf, and that’s not cool. So keep the mixins to a minimum, make sure they are cooked before hand and are at least room temperature so the burger cooks evenly. And never, ever put pure cheese in the middle. You’ll end up with super hot oil and cheese curd floating around in the middle of your hamburger. Not cool.
4. Do not fear the fat. I’m amazed and how hard it is for people to learn this lesson. If you’re a fat phobe then just stay away from burgers. Ideally your meat should be 80/20, that’s 80 percent leand and 20 percent fat. Any less and the burger won’t hold together. If all you have is 85/15 then you can, just this once, mix in a tablespoon of vegetable oil for every pound of beef. But you have to admit to everyone who eats at your house that you’re a douche.
5. Season well but don’t spice. Or at least not unless you intend to. The thing about salt and pepper is that in the right amounts they bring out flavors but you don’t taste theirs. That’s seasoning. I go with a half teaspoon each per pound of beef, mixed in to the patties.
6. You can’t have bad ass burgers without bad ass patties. That means you under mix, season and gently form your 6 ounce patties about a half hour before cooking so they can reach room temperature. They should be a little round so you can lightly flatten them(not smash) just before cooking. And don’t forget to make an indent with your thumb as you put them on the grill, this will stop that “burger shaped like a baseball” problem that sometimes creeps up on you.
7. Rolls matter. A good burger on wonderbread is like a Ferrari rolling on doughnuts. Get fresh baked rolls(I prefer potato) and toast them lightly before eating. I also recommend a thin layer of mayonnaise on each side of the roll as this will prevent soakage and, when it mixes with the hamburger juices, it creates nature’s perfect sauce. Just stay light on the mayo, you shouldn’t be able to taste it on it’s own.

So there you have it, the 7 rules to a bad ass burger. Follow them and a world of perfect summer grilling is yours. Break them and you’ll be cursed to an eternity of wishing you had gone to McDonalds(a fate worse than death).

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Tags: burger, hamburger, seasoning, tips

This entry was posted on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 pm and is filed under Tips, tricks and facts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.