It Burns, Dear God it Burns
When I was eight my brother was six. Six and very gullible. Which is why when I gave him a bar of bakers chocolate, he ate the whole thing. I just kept saying “Isn’t that great?” He just kept nodding and wincing through the whole, disgusting bar. It was much harder, a year later, to get him to consume a habanero pepper. He was gullible but not stupid.
So began our dance, me trying to feed him more and more disgusting things and him trying to eat in peace. And through the years he’s become tougher and tougher to get. Until…
The other day I was making spicy apple mustard. My apple mustard, by the way, is awesome. It’s better than any of the “gourmet” crap you find in half ounce jars at the store. And it costs less to make then the bright yellow, congealed piss most people put on their hot dogs. All it takes it a few simple ingredients, a glass jar and some forethought. Why forethought?
Because you make it, let it sit on the counter for a week, and then move it to the fridge. As a boy they told me this was to let the flavors mingle. They lied, as I recently learned.
So I last week I was going to grill up some brats when I realized I was out of my awesome spicy apple mustard. I figured that not letting the flavors mingle for that first week would mean it wasn’t quite as good, but a lesser some is better than a perfect none. So I mixed up a batch on the counter and applied it straight from the bowl.
After I regained consciousness I did a little research. In fact the one week waiting period
has nothing to do with flavors mingling, it’s all about heat dissipation. The heat you get from mustard comes from a reaction between it’s enzymes. The longer you let that reaction go, the less heat you have. The reason you put it in the fridge is to stop that reaction. So what I was really doing was letting the mustard cool down for a week, then holding it at that level of spiciness.
So began a series of painful experiments. I found out that dry mustard by itself is about as spicy as cornstarch. The reaction starts when the mustard powder is mixed with water. From that moment, for about 15 minutes it tastes as bitter and hot as a lit cigarette. From 15 minutes to about 2 hours it’s obscenely hot, but you can consume it without a trip to the ER. From 2 hours to a day is about as hot or hotter than anything you can find in a specialty store. If you are looking for a really blazing mustard(as I always am) this is about the ideal zone. Letting it sit for a week will net you a really good, flavorful, intriguing mustard. But where’s the fun in that?
My brother’s coming over tonight for brats. I think I’m gonna pre-mustard my buns with the stuff from the fridge, then mix up a bowl at the table and slide it right in front of him. I wonder how long I can get him to keep eating just by mentioning “Isn’t fresh mustard the best?”
Spicy Apple Mustard
- 4 Tbsp ground mustard powder(brown or yellow or mixed to your liking)
- A pinch of cinnamon
- 1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
- 1 and 1/2 Tbsp apple cider(juice if you have to)
Mix the cinnamon, mustard powder and apple juice, then let sit for 15 minutes. Then you can add the vinegar. If you add the vinegar early, it may stop the enzymes from reacting and you might get weird “hot spots” in your mustard as it ages.
Let it sit until you reach your desired heat level(as described in the article) then move to the fridge. That’s it. Really.
