Papa Johns Pizza Sucks
Under normal circumstances I consider eating a large pizza all by myself an accomplishment.
There’s that point, usually when you have 3 slices to go, that it starts mocking you. “What’s a matter fatty? Eyes bigger than your stomach?”
This begets the decision. I’m full at this point, very full. It’s an odd feeling to look at food and not want to stuff it into my gullet but that’s where I’m at. It’s uncomfortable and I’m not used to it and I don’t like it. Not one bit.
On the other hand, there are only 3 pieces left. What good is that to me? If I put them in the fridge, they’ll be the first thing I eat in the morning. But that won’t be enough, I know it
won’t. It never is. But I can’t very well make a full breakfast of bacon(sweet, sweet bacon), eggs and toast and just pile it on top of these 3 lonely slices. I mean that, I’ve tried.
So ultimately I take the challenge and set to work eating the pizza I have no interest eating. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding. It’s satisfying to know that once again, I’ve beaten an inanimate stack of protein, fat and simple carbohydrates. Job well done.
But then last night I had Papa Johns Pizza, and it was a different kind of challenge. Getting even the first bite of that slimy, charred yet undercooked(how did they even do that?) flattened stool sample was an exercise in will equal to withstanding water boarding. Greater, nobody charges you to get water boarded.
Papa Johns Pizza Really Sucks
The crust(I ordered a thin crust) was doughy. DOUGHY! It was like when you pull some bread out of the freezer and it’s covered with ice crystals and you microwave it, that goop that happens where the bread touches the plate. That was the support system for Papa Johns pizza. Seriously.
The cheese wasn’t even melted. Papa Johns gave me a bunch of flaccid, oily strands floating on top of dough goop. It wasn’t so much a pizza as a food-like wetland.
And yet Papa Johns Pizza managed to burn and dry out the toppings. Amazing. It’s like they sent the toppings through the oven a couple of times on their own, then threw them on top of raw dough and cheese counting on the residual heat to cook them.
Keep in mind, I’m not a picky guy. You don’t get to be the Fat Bastard by turning your nose up at food. And 9 times out of 10 when I want pizza I go the Little Caesars route(no pizza snobbery there). But Papa Johns Pizza was absolutely inedible.
And what did they charge me for this atrocity? $18.31! I guess Papa Johns Pizza charges extra for thin crust on the assumption you should be happy they’re giving you less. They have a point.
I know what I should do. I should look around for one of the local pizza places instead of messing with the chains, but I was just too lazy. The chains are usually better about price, but if I want quality I should have known better than to get Papa Johns Pizza.
So, how did you find your favorite pizza place? Did you have to follow around a bunch of fat Italian guys for a few days until they lead you there, or was it just sitting in the yellow pages, waiting?
Tags: papa johns pizza, pizza, review
March 26th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Jeezus, Papa John’s should be firebombed out of existence! As well as ALL the people who think or say “Papa John’s rox!” You didn’t mention how the sauce is runny and SWEET, like they add sugar or something….seems like the doughy douche-bread they called crust seemed SWEET as well. Nasty! And that cup of yellow putrid liquid they brag so much about for dipping their vomit fodder in???
Thank you Fat Bastard, the post is gospel and Papa John’s Sucks my balls! (which also puked after I tried PJ)
April 1st, 2008 at 3:04 pm
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May 12th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
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August 13th, 2008 at 6:00 am
I deliver for Papa John’s, and the pizza posted is NOT a PJ’s pizza, (that’s not even cooked) the mozzarella that we use looks more like pearl beads, not shredded like how you find in the store.
December 18th, 2008 at 1:17 am
Yep. Papa John’s pizzas are getting CONSISTENTLY undercooked at our location. Less cooking time — more pizzas to sell; that’s how I understand it. Not buying pizzas too often, even when specials are going on, but every purchase is a disappointment. And, they are not cheap, but getting smaller every time.
Offender: Papa John’s — Marshalee Dr. Elkridge, MD
I am sure Papa’s employees cook those for themselves very thoroughly.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:20 pm
Papa Johns seems to vary wildly from store to store. My biggest problem with them around here, is they are BLAND BLAND BLAND. I mean it’s pretty bad when you have to add salt to pizza in order to get flavor in it!
May 30th, 2010 at 5:46 pm
the pizza is very bland but worst of all the pizza has a disgusting sweet taste that should not be in a pizza.the dough is sweet the sauce is sweet , it just says excessive sugar everytime i have it. i want to puke every time i see a papa johns commercial on tv with that knuckle head spokesman/owner who thinks his disgusting pizza is sooooo goood . yuck !
papa johns pizza sucks nationwide…its not just one location.
January 2nd, 2011 at 11:39 pm
I will hate Papa Johns forever. They should change their slogan to “unprofessional losers who make pizza that will kill you.” I’d rather eat at Domino’s.
January 10th, 2011 at 10:49 am
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January 15th, 2011 at 2:05 am
All the pizza joints are crap who deliver - Pizza Hut, Dominos, Papa Johns, Black Jack etc. Its best you buy from Papa Murphys and bake it yourself to the perfection.
May 5th, 2011 at 4:55 pm
hooray. your writings on theater and writing much missed!
July 8th, 2011 at 1:56 am
The papa johns in mocksville nc is th eworst store ever
October 21st, 2011 at 9:48 pm
yeah papa johns is pretty much the worst pizza you can buy, bunch of crack heads make it i fucking hate those commercials too, with that dudes face showing up on the tv,better ingredients better pizza, its frozen dough and the sauce is just add water same as pizza hut. way to sweet and shit cheese not to mention the crust taste like my girl friends ass crack. the best pizza joints are the ones that don’t advertise on tv typically not a franchise and are smaller business that don’t hire kids with no cooking experience
November 16th, 2011 at 4:58 am
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December 5th, 2011 at 2:40 am
Papa John’s is so nasty! I paid $32.06 tonight for two pizzas, even though they are advertising for $11.00 any size, any toppings. They charged me $12.00 for one and no joke there was a fly baked into my supreme pizza, along with some long brown nasty thing that looked like a dead piece of grass from their sidewalk. So grossed out, I vomited my dinner up immediately, then I called and the manager basically said I was lying, so I had to drive it to him and show him the nasty shit. So I not only paid for delivery to get that crap to my door, then I had to tip the driver, oh and then paid for gas to drive my car to their store to show them how gross and unsanitary their pizza shop is. That place should be shut down!
January 27th, 2012 at 2:47 am
to call papa johns 2nd rate is a gift to papa johns - its 3rd or 4th rate AT BEST