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Grilling a steak has all the tenets of manhood mixed together. Fire, danger, and gluttony. But too many of you savages are doing it wrong. I watch in horror as you invite me over for light beer and dried out, lifeless flank steak. I guess technically it’s supposed to be lifeless but you know what I mean.

So here are some basic principles to grilling the perfect steak:

GRADE AND CUT- The most important choice you’re gonna make. At least until dinner the next day. First know that the best cuts for grilling are T-bone, Rib Eye, Porter House and Filet Mignon. NY Strip is pretty decent but not my favorite(maybe because it has NY in it?) Basically the farther you can get from the horns and the hooves, the better you’re looking.

Next you have to choose your grade. First is Prime, which is restaurant quality and those bastards buy most of this stuff up. You might still be able to find it, if you know your butcher, but it’s hard and you can expect to pay $15-$25 a pound. Next down is Choice and that’s what you’ll usually get at the grocery store and on the counter at the butcher. Plenty good enough for me. If you’re looking at Select quality, I suggest you give up and just make hamburgers. Steak may just be beyond you. If you’re too cheap to pay for Select, well you’re out of luck. Anything lower can only be served in prisons or elementary schools.

HEAT FOR THE WIN- Before you start grilling, you want it hot. Hella hot. Super hot. If you can hold your hand 4 inches over the grill without tearing up, it’s not hot enough(Chuck Norris is excluded from this test). The number 1 reason your steaks are dry is because your grill isn’t hot enough forcing you to cook it too long.

PREPARE YOU MEAT FOR THE GRILL, LIKE A GLADIATOR FOR THE ARENA- Firstly, you should have your meat out at room temp for at least a half hour before you throw it on the grill. Cold meat does not cook well, the blood can’t move. Then liberally season your steak with KOCHER salt and pepper. You may rub a little olive oil on the slab at this point. It can help form that nice crust on the outside that we’re looking for.

Also, remember that marinades are great if you’re using cheap meat(I’m looking at you flank steak) but they ruin the good stuff. If you make me Filet Mignon that tastes like lime and tequila I will personally punch you in the throat.

DON’T COOK, SEAR- Cooking your well cut, seasoned steak on your super hot grill will take you about 3-5 minutes per side depending on: A) the thickness of your steak and B) how hot your particular grill gets. Remember to flip only once. Now how do you tell if it’s done?

Well the only way to really know is to cut it open, but that ruins the steak. Not makes it worse, not sub-optimal, it ruins it. Like getting a super model pregnant.

So you’re going to have to experiment on your grill a few times. Buy 3 cuts one night, cook one for 3 minutes per side, one for 4 and one for 5.

Note: Underdone steak is great to heat up the next morning for steak and eggs and over done steak can be cut into thin slices o make a bad ass steak sandwich.

Warning: Do not use a meat thermometer. Poking holes in your steak is a travesty, and against the law in all civilized countries. It lets all the juices out and results in a $11 a pound hockey puck.

REST YOUR LAURALS- It’s imperative that after cooking you let your steak rest for 10 minutes. 5 if you’re starving but 10 is so much better. I know you’re hungry. I know it smells good. But if you drop it on a plate and cut into it, you’re going to let all those juices out. Give them time to shore up, slow down and distribute themselves. If you’re worried about the steak getting cold wrap it in tinfoil. Not letting it rest is the number 2 most likely reason your steak is dry.

HUNGER IS YOUR SAUCE- Let me say this, now and forever. Steak sauce is for women, homosexuals and guys who lost their sense of taste in a bottle rocket accident. The caveat being that it is a good way to drown the taste of a cheaper piece of meat(I’m not above pulling meat out of the discount bin). But if you paid the money for a decent cut, don’t you want to taste it and not A1?

Note: A1 is, however, awesome mixed in with your hamburger patty.

So if you follow these principles and invite me over, I will give my blessings to your steak. And by give blessings I mean consume.

Also please make sure you call it grilling and don’t miss-label it BBQ. BBQ is it’s own special, hallowed event that I’ll talk about in a later article, not something you can do with just some propane and a metal grill.

Tags: fire, grill a steak, steak

This entry was posted on Friday, February 15th, 2008 at 12:07 am and is filed under You wanna put what where?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.