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I remember the last time my brother came over for breakfast(God I hate him). As he was mowing down his third short stack he asks:

“Are these pancakes made from scratch?”

It’s not like I was in a field threshing wheat at 4 in the morning. All I did was mix up some really common ingredients, most of which have the shelf life of Joan Rivers. How does that qualify as ‘from scratch’?

The fact is the difference between pancakes from a box and good pancakes is about 5 minutes. Less if you keep a tupperware full of pre-made powder. And it’s easy. If you’re looking for somewhere to start learning how to cook this is it:

Step 1 : Dry

• 2 cups AP flour
• 1/2 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tsp Baking Powder
• 1 tsp Salt
• 2 tsp Sugar

Throw it all in a bowl and stir with a whisk.

Step 2: Wet

• 4 tbs(a half stick) melted butter
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups room temperature buttermilk

Throw the eggs in a bowl and beat them. Then temper in the butter(it’s easy, I describe it here). Add the buttermilk(let it get to room temp first, otherwise your batter will be a bit lumpy) and mix.

By the way, buttermilk is important. You can’t just put regular milk in there and get the same results, that’s because the buttermilk is acidic and when it hits the baking soda it’s going to make more bubbles. That’s what makes real pancakes so much fluffier then the ones you make from a box.

But here’s the nice thing about buttermilk, it’s so acidic that it’s really bacteria resistant. So even though it’s got a date it almost never goes bad in the fridge. I’d say you have at least 2 months to use it past the expiration date.

Step 3: Bringing it all together

Now don’t mix the wet and the dry until the griddle is up to temperature. That’s 325-350 degrees. If you don’t have an electric griddle(you savage) then you can use the flattest pan you have on the stove. When you drop water on the pan and it skitters around like an ice skating fruit it’s the right temp.

Now the mixing of the wet and dry is the step most people screw up. Listen carefully, you pour the wet on the dry and using a broad spoon(or spatula) mix for no more than 15 seconds. I know there are still lumps, I know you think you should keep stirring, but don’t. The lumps will cook out and stirring more will just make the pancakes tough. Did you ever notice that restaurant pancakes aren’t as chewy as a flat bagel? That’s why.

Once you mix let the batter sit for 5 minutes to build up some bubbles. Then use a ladle, or if you’re in super single guy mode a cup, to drop the batter on your griddle. Don’t make the pancakes much bigger than your spatula.

This really is much easier on an electric griddle. In fact a lot of things are easier on a griddle. You have perfect temperature control and wide open spaces. Flipping things like pancakes and sliders without having to get around the edge of a pan is awesome. And you can cook 8 pancakes at a time instead of 2. This is my griddle, and I recommend it to anybody:

Then when the bubbles set around the edges flip them over. Cook them on the other side for about half the time. For me it’s usually 3 minutes on the first side and 1 and a half on the second.That’s it. A little extra mixing of ingredients you should already have and you have pancakes from scratch. And while this recipe makes more than mortal man can consume and stay conscious, these pancakes freeze and reheat perfect.

When I was eight my brother was six. Six and very gullible. Which is why when I gave him a bar of bakers chocolate, he ate the whole thing. I just kept saying “Isn’t that great?” He just kept nodding and wincing through the whole, disgusting bar. It was much harder, a year later, to get him to consume a habanero pepper. He was gullible but not stupid.

So began our dance, me trying to feed him more and more disgusting things and him trying to eat in peace. And through the years he’s become tougher and tougher to get. Until…

 

The other day I was making spicy apple mustard. My apple mustard, by the way, is awesome. It’s better than any of the “gourmet” crap you find in half ounce jars at the store. And it costs less to make then the bright yellow, congealed piss most people put on their hot dogs. All it takes it a few simple ingredients, a glass jar and some forethought. Why forethought?

Because you make it, let it sit on the counter for a week, and then move it to the fridge. As a boy they told me this was to let the flavors mingle. They lied, as I recently learned.

So I last week I was going to grill up some brats when I realized I was out of my awesome spicy apple mustard. I figured that not letting the flavors mingle for that first week would mean it wasn’t quite as good, but a lesser some is better than a perfect none. So I mixed up a batch on the counter and applied it straight from the bowl.

 

After I regained consciousness I did a little research. In fact the one week waiting period has nothing to do with flavors mingling, it’s all about heat dissipation. The heat you get from mustard comes from a reaction between it’s enzymes. The longer you let that reaction go, the less heat you have. The reason you put it in the fridge is to stop that reaction. So what I was really doing was letting the mustard cool down for a week, then holding it at that level of spiciness.

So began a series of painful experiments. I found out that dry mustard by itself is about as spicy as cornstarch. The reaction starts when the mustard powder is mixed with water. From that moment, for about 15 minutes it tastes as bitter and hot as a lit cigarette. From 15 minutes to about 2 hours it’s obscenely hot, but you can consume it without a trip to the ER. From 2 hours to a day is about as hot or hotter than anything you can find in a specialty store. If you are looking for a really blazing mustard(as I always am) this is about the ideal zone. Letting it sit for a week will net you a really good, flavorful, intriguing mustard. But where’s the fun in that?

 

My brother’s coming over tonight for brats. I think I’m gonna pre-mustard my buns with the stuff from the fridge, then mix up a bowl at the table and slide it right in front of him. I wonder how long I can get him to keep eating just by mentioning “Isn’t fresh mustard the best?”

Spicy Apple Mustard

• 4 Tbsp ground mustard powder(brown or yellow or mixed to your liking)
• A pinch of cinnamon
• 1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 1 and 1/2 Tbsp apple cider(juice if you have to)

Mix the cinnamon, mustard powder and apple juice, then let sit for 15 minutes. Then you can add the vinegar. If you add the vinegar early, it may stop the enzymes from reacting and you might get weird “hot spots” in your mustard as it ages.

Let it sit until you reach your desired heat level(as described in the article) then move to the fridge. That’s it. Really.