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photo credit: Alex Kehr

I used to live in Germany for a couple of years and German food is surprisingly forgettable. But the food the Turks brought over there, that’s another story. My favorite was the Doner Kebab, very similar to the Scwharma sandwiches or Gyros you’d get here.

While making a real Doner Kebab is a bit beyond what we’re aiming for today I have found that using Eastern spices in a hamburger can help give it an exotic taste. Also a lot of people don’t like spicy food(a pox upon their souls). The Kebab Burger is a way to use spices without making something that’s ’spicy’, if you’re forced to entertain such heathens.

This recipe is, like all of our recipes, for four 6 oz patties. However with this one you can get away with using ground lamb. I have to warn you though that there isn’t enough fat to really hold the lamb together well. You’ll have to make it on the broiler instead of the grill to minimize crumbling. Other than meat the ingredients are:

• 1/4 tsp ground cumin
• 1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp ground coriander
• 1/4 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp pepper
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 2 tbs chopped cilantro
• 1/2 tsp Hungarian paprika (optional)

Combine the meat with the other ingredients in a bowl and let it rest in the fridge for at least 3 hours, 6 would be better. This allows the spices to hydrate and reach their full flavor.

Cook normally, prepare the buns normally(including mayo) but don’t serve with regular condiments. Instead try mint yogurt and mango chutney(yes I said mango chutney, just fucking trust me, OK?)  It’s not quite the same as going to Turkey, but there are fewer flashbacks to Midnight Express.

Coming Soon, my world famous Veggie Burger recipe

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Here’s a great pizza burger recipe that’s also super simple but there’s a price. Really simple recipes require really quality ingredients. So when I say fresh mozzarella I mean that, not something that comes grated in a bag. And when I say 1 can of whole, peeled tomatoes I mean that, not tomato puree. And when I say a Korean prostitute with big hands and a soft voice I mean…well…you get the picture. So here are the ingredients:

• 1 8oz can whole, peeled tomatoes
• 2 cloves of garlic, at least 1 whole
• 1/4 TSP dried oregano
• 4oz of fresh mushrooms, sliced
• Fresh mozzerlla cheese, enough to cover 4 patties when slicedto however thick you want it
• 4 fresh, crusty rolls
• 1 TBS(approximatly) of olive oil
• Salt and pepper
• 4 6oz hamburger patties prepared right

Open the tomatoes and drain. Then either by hand or in a food processor dice them fine, but so there are still discernable cubes. Then run about a TBS through the blender(or food processor again) until you have a nice tomato puree. This is the part that binds the sauce together while the cubes will give a burst of tomato taste.

In a new bowl mix the tomato sauce, oregano, 1 clove of diced garlic and about a quarter TSP of olive oil. Let this mixture sit for a least an hour before you make your burgers so the oregano can hydrate.

Then cook the patties as you normally would. After that first flip place a spoonful of sauce on top(not too much) then layer the mozzarella on there and add mushrooms to taste.

Toward the end of the cooking cycle split your rolls and lay them face down over the grill. When they are nice and toasted take the remaining garlic clove and cut it in half. Pull the rolls off one at a time and brush the garlic clove against the toasted side. When they’re all off brush each with the remaining olive oil and add salt and pepper to taste(be generous).

There you have it, the most bad ass pizza burger you’re ever going to eat and with only a few simple ingredients. You’re welcome.

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OK here’s a hella easy recipe for chili cheese burgers, but I have to warn you. It takes a little preparation. You must make the chili sauce ahead of time, don’t start working on the sauce right after you start the grill. The good thing is the sauce is fine in the fridge for a day or two so you can get it done before everyone comes over for burgers.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup of chili sauce, I like Cholula myself
• 1/2 an onion, diced. You can copy this guy’s style if you’re in a hurry
• 1 clove of garlic, diced
• 1 TBS of brown sugar
• 1 TBS canola oil
• 1 TBS fresh squeezed lime juice
• 2 TSP Worcestershire sauce
• 1/4 TSP Hungarian paprika
• 1/8 TSP salt
• 1/8 TSP cayenne pepper(or chili flakes if you’ve got them)

In a saucepan on med-low cook the onion, garlic and salt in the oil until the onion softens up and becomes transparent. Add the rest of the ingredients, turn the heat up to medium and cook until the sauce just starts to bubble. If you’re going to store this for later then let the sauce cool to room temp before refrigerating. If you’re going to use it right away then turn burner all the way to low just to keep the sauce warm(if you refrigerate it you’ll have to heat the sauce up again before you use it).

Cook your burgers the way you normally would. When you first flip them put a spoonful of sauce on each burger before you put on a slice of cheese(cheddar works best). Don’t go overboard, this is strong stuff. Then cook like normal for another 4 minutes with the grill lid closed. Plate and serve.

As a word of warning, these are hot. Fucking nuclear. Not for the faint of heart or bowl. But other than that good eating.

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photo credit: thowi

During the summer grilling seems to happen so spontaneously. Sometimes it’s just too damn hot to cook inside, other times you find something on sale in the 30% off bin that you know you should cook right away.

But a lot of rubs and sauces that are really tasty are a pain to make on the fly. They have picky ingredients or need 24 hours to let the flavors age. Fuck all that, I want my dollar ninety-nine pork chops now. Which is why I have this simple little rub recipe handy:

• 3 TBS Hungarian paprika
• 1 TBS Kosher salt
• 1 TBS black pepper
• 1 TSP sugar
• 1 TSP chili powder
• 1/2 TSP ground cayenne
• 1/2 TSP garlic powder
• 1/2 TSP onion powder

Those are ingredients I always have ready, it is zero fuss and it works on any meat out there. Chicken to ribs to pork chops(the amounts here are for 4 pork chops, scale accordingly).

Because grilling should be spontaneous.

I’m starting a new series here at Fat Bastard Eats, DIY. It’s essentially how to make things yourself that you would normally buy from a store or from a hairy, foreign street vendor. The normal reason people outsource work is to save money, but in the case of food it’s almost always cheaper to DIY. The reason is they don’t know any fucking better. Here at Fat Bastard Eats we aim to fix that, starting with Mayo.

This much maligned sauce has suffered from bad perception for far too long. It’s not plain or tasteless, it’s tangy and delicious. And easy to make if you have a few simple ingredients that you combine exactly right.

Start with a bowl. Into that dump a half teaspoon salt, a half teaspoon dry mustard, 2 pinches of sugar and one egg yolk(separate it with your hand you Nancy).

Beat with a hand mixer until it’s nice and yellow. Note that you can do this whole recipe with a whisk instead of a hand mixer, but I’m a chronic masturbator and even I can’t imagine moving my wrist that long.

Put 2 teaspoons of lemon(or lime) juice along with 1 tablespoon of white wine vinegar into a cup. Don’t eyeball this, it has to be exact. Then dump half of that in with the egg and beat until smooth.

Now we’re going to start drizzling in a cup of oil(safflower, corn or chili) and beating that into the egg. Don’t add it too fast or the oil won’t mix in and you’ll ‘break’ it. Then you have to start over. I use a regular condiment dispenser just like you would keep mustard in. Whatever you do just remember to go slow.

After you’ve beat in about half the oil in add the rest of the vinegar/juice. If you had added it at the beginning it would be way more work just to get started. Finish drizzling in the rest of the oil(while still beating vigorously). Then store it in an airtight container.

photo credit: erikadotnet

Now leave this on the counter for about 3 hours. For some reason known only to the dark lord of condiments the acid from the vinegar and juice will kill bacteria, but only when it’s at room temperature. After that throw it in the fridge and you have the best tasting mayo you’ve ever eaten. It should last about 2 weeks stored properly.

And if you want some kick, don’t forget you can use chili oil. That’ll teach those vultures who steal your sandwich out of the fridge at work.

photo credit: smet_dk