fatbastardeats.com

Sorry I haven’t been around you guys. I’ll be getting back to posting today and I hope to get to some emails tonight. I’ve been crapping black death since the beginning of the week and I’m finally starting to feel better. I’ve been dehydrated and feeling….empty. It’s weird.

So in case I missed anything from you guys drop me a line because I am back in commission. Right after I take another dump.

photo credit: robford37

Here’s a little video I threw up on youtube comparing butter and margarine. By the way anyone still using margarine not under doctors orders should just give up right now. On life.

You can watch it directly on youtube at:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WrI4tChHIe8

photo credit: sanofi2498

I got a little menstrual about this post from Gluten Free Girl(which is the best place to go for recipes if you or someone in your family is allergic to gluten by the way). She kind of rambled her way into a discovered recipe, but what caught my attention was this:

Honestly, I’d say now that you should take every recipe before May 2006 with a big grain of salt. I didn’t really know what I was doing then, not like I do now.

So, are you saying that anyone who read your blog when it started was wasting their time? They only thought they got useful information out of it, but really they were suckers? But now, now you’ve got it all figured out. Now you’re a genius. Now we should all listen to you, and in two years you won’t be telling us how we should disregard everything before 2009.

photo credit: dsevilla

Bullshit. For 2 reasons: First different people are at different levels and need information at those levels. What got me into cooking was Good Eats(still the greatest cooking show ever) because it was at my level. For some people they might consider that show a waste of time. Those people, as a rule, suck. Others might be harried mom’s who need to learn how to make a whole meal in 30 minutes, Rachel Ray style. Others might have been cooking for years and want some expert in a particular type of cooking to hone their skills(I’m looking at you, Mario Batali). But if every show was Mario and Emeril, how many people would never even give cooking a chance? Just like if every blog was Smitten Kitchen and Serious Eats how many people wouldn’t even bother coming online to find something for dinner? Everyone needs information at their current level.
Second, it’s not just the information, it’s the guy giving it to you.
The personality matters a lot. Going back to the Food Network, why do you think Rachel Ray is the number one show? Because that betty loves cooking and it shows. She seems like she’d be a lot of fun to cook with, eat with, plus I bet she’s a little dirty in the sack. Not freaky, just the right amount of kink. That’s what really pisses people like Anthony Bourdain off. It’s not that she isn’t’ good at her job, it’s that she is. And it’s the same with blogging. If all people wanted were recipes they’d search about.com. They want personality. I’ve never had to make a Passover meal before, but Amy Sherman makes me wish I had(grizzly connotations of dead first born children aside).

photo credit: Vortech

Like I said, I think I’m a little overly sensitive about this. Probably because I’m not that good a cook. Which is ironic, because I eat well. But I shy away from anything too fancy. My attitude is why make hard stuff when there’s so much great food that’s easy as hell when you know a few tricks. Last night I didn’t have pan-fried panini with an apricot glaze. I had a baked potato, roast asparagus and a New York strip, rare. And it was awesome. Seriously. If that steak had VD I still would have ate it and had no regrets.

My point is there’s something for everyone out there on the internet. I always hope that you find value in what I give you, both educational and entertainment wise. Enough so that you subscribe. But if you don’t, if you don’t find me fun or smart or inspirational then somewhere out there you can find the guy talking at your level. Also fuck you.

And I think it’s a bit disingenuous and insulting to say that what you said before was worthless because now you’ve learned more. There are still those who haven’t learned, or don’t have the inclination to learn, what you know. If they can find value in what you wrote before who are you to call them morons?

photo credit: KellyK
We had a rule in my house. For the holidays, everyone brought something. But there was an unspoken rule as well, men brought something easy. All I had to make for Christmas Eve(we were people who celebrated Christmas Eve with one side of the family, Christmas with the other) until 1998 was green bean casserole. And I didn’t put a lot of thought into that either, as evidenced by the year we ate it topped with potato chips.Then I got a girlfriend, and things changed. We were expected to bring a real dish. Presumably one she cooked and I carried from the car. And one year I did my duty hauling in pan after pan of her roasted asparagus from my Honda civic.

photo credit: adactio

Then we broke up and next year my female relatives had a quandary. Without her contribution we would be shy of ‘real’ dishes. We’d have 7 jugs of green bean casserole, but that wasn’t good enough for them.

To solve their problem I volunteered to make potatoes. They snickered. I got a condescending lecture from my cousin on how hard potatoes were, the peeling and the boiling and making sure they take their potato vitamins. I think that’s what she said, I zoned out. From sheer spite I insisted on potatoes. Potatoes I would make with no helm from them because I was determined to prove them wrong.

Unfortunately my enthusiasm waned pretty quickly. In fact I did zero planning for the meal until the morning of Christmas Eve. I had also avoided any gift shopping up to that point, so I had a lot to do that day.

Luckily I found a bag of potatoes under the sink. I don’t know how
long they had been there, but I think they came with the house. I also found my moms old crock pot under there. In dusting that off I found a recipe book with a simple little 1-2-3 for au gratin potatoes.

photo credit: raysto

It seemed preordained. I sliced them, threw in some milk and cheese and turned the crock pot on. All through the disapproving looks of my mother I might add. Then I went out the door looking for something, anything to get my grandma. What do you get an old lady who smells like cat pee?

I came back from shopping and did my half assed attempt at wrapping all while the potatoes cooked all by their lonesome. They were done around 4, a fact I remembered around 6. But I checked them and nothing was burned or otherwise noticeable, so I decided it would be in everyone else’s best interest to be kept in the dark.

I pulled the crock out and put it on the table at 7:00. I endured the stinging glances of my aunts, the mocking threats of my brothers and the look of genuine fear on my mothers face. They were terrified(I don’t blame them, I’d never made anything fit for humans before) at what my lack of attention had grown in a crock pot.

But then they ate. And ate more.
And had thirds. The potatoes were great, in spite of the fact that I didn’t know how to cook. And that’s the real secret of crock-pottery. You can’t screw it up. I did everything in my power to ruin that meal and it still went perfect.

photo credit: iandavid

Until Mom told me I was cooking the turkey the next day.

photo credit: Mark Dye

Once again here’s your round up of all things food last week:

• Stack Em - A great and easy recipe for thin pancakes. I also like the fact that they call them ‘thin pancakes’ and not ‘crepes’ to keep the stink of pretentiousness out of it all. [via Delicious Days]
• The Meat Market of Mizzou - Firstly this page gives you a general comparison price for different cuts of meat, and that’s always useful. Second it gives you some good meat info on the cuts. It’s always hard to imagine how a T-bone fits into a cow.
• Food Sculptures - I don’t know why but I love these.
• The overdue Spoon Bowl - Finally progress in the department of not letting your spoon touch anything. How long can it be until we have teleporters? [via BoingBoing]
• Cooking by Numbers and Drinksmixer - The most useful thing about the internet is the ability to search recipes by ingredient. Now I can find a recipe to use up that pineapple that’s been mocking me. He thinks I don’t have the stones to eat him.
• Drink Cheap - This s a mostly useless article on bringing down your booze bill. “Try using premium brands instead of super premium.” Oh really? Ya think? But it has 2 good points about 1) cocktails and 2) rum. [via Serious Eats]
• Creme Brulee - No one ever makes this stuff but the idea of bringing a propane torch to the dinner table gets a thumbs up from me every time.
• Omelette in a sack - First it’s not an omelette and second it’s disgusting. It’s throwing random crap in an egg and poaching it for far too long. And I love how they suggest serving it with “fresh fruit and coffee cake.” Yes we love our civilized, genteel breakfasts that are topped off with fucking egg logs.