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True burgers are cooked outdoors, this we all know. But sometimes circumstance conspire against us(and by circumstances I mean hail). So I’d like to talk about some of the tools for making bad ass burgers inside,should the need arise:

First you want a cast iron grill pan. Cast iron because holds heat, some crappy aluminum pan will drop 20 degrees as soon as you throw your burgers in. This will turn your nice black crust into a gray coating, not cool.

And you want a grill pan because those spaces give it a place for smoke to form and rise up, flavoring the meat. You can get away with a regular cast iron pan, but this will be the best “grill simulation” you can buy.

Whatever you do never use a nonstick pan. They just can’t build a crust, you’re better off broiling them.

You’ll also want a nice metal bowl for reasons I’ve mentioned before. This one is a great multitasker, I make my popcorn in it as well.

You’ll want a good, sturdy flipper. It should be made of high grade stainless steel and should have a nice thick handle. And if you don’t take my advice on the grill pan(you fool) you’ll need one with an angle to it to get around the sides of the pan.

If you don’t listen tom me about the grill pan and you don’t listen to me about the bowl, then you’re going to need to get one of these babies. It’s a splatter guard, and it’s the best $15 you ever spent. Without some kind of cover you’ll spend more time cleaning the stove then cooking. And yes, it’s great for more than just burgers.

photo credit: markoplex

I’d intended to buy a crock-pot all along, talking to her was just a bonus. She was a cute little red head with just enough chub on her to know that in her 30s her body was going to go to hell. But today she looked good. Damn good.

So when she walked past I gave my best scrunchy, confused face. She asked if I was lost and I started telling her I need a crock-pot and didn’t know what I was looking at. She launched into a compassionate explanation(women love the ‘men as children’ myth) of all the features each one had and which I wanted.

“That one only has 5 quarts, you want at least 6. And a timer, you need a timer. What if you go away for a weekend and want pot roast when you come home?”

photo credit: disavianHer cleavage distracted me from the fact that I was planning to leave meat on the counter for 2 days and then eat it, and I agreed with everything she said. I bought the most expensive, name brand model they had and carried it over to the checkout with her(all the while trying to act like it felt really light to me because I work out so much).

I knew my mistake as soon as they rang it up. It’s a bit intimidating to pay over $100 for something you’ve used once and know nothing about. And now I have to eat from this thing 6 quarts at a time. But I didn’t say anything right then, because she was still there.

So I walked her to her car. We talked about all the things I could make in my new crock-pot. I asked if she could come over and show me some because they sounded awfully complicated. She said no, her boyfriend probably wouldn’t like that. Son of a Bitch.

So as soon as she got in her car I hoofed that crock-pot back in and returned it. I didn’t even wait for her to drive away at that point. By the way, they look at you a little funny when you return something you bought 5 minutes ago and then buy the less expensive model. I never knew that Bed Bath and Beyond employees were so judgmental.

So I got this model:

It’s served me really well. Firstly it’s 4 quarts, which means you can make about 3 quarts of food at a time. That’s a lot for a single guy. With the 6 quart one you have to make at least 3 quarts and I don’t like that kind of commitment. It’s not very feature rich, has 3 heat settings. But they’ve done fine by me so far.

And it’s cheap. While I don’t think you should cheap out when you know you want something, if you’re unsure and trying something new then I say always spend little enough you won’t regret it. That goes for crock-pots and hookers.

It is, in short, the perfect starter crock-pot for a single guy. Is it what I’d get now? No. But I’ll talk about that later.

Nothing makes you feel quite like a moron more than carefully laying out the arguments for, and rules of, grilling a thick, juicy cut to perfection only to have some asshole invent the steak toaster. That’s right, a steak toaster.

If the thing gets hot enough then it actually would do an awesome job. If it’s just a George Foreman grill turned on it’s ear then you might as well cook your steak between two irons.

Seriously, a steak toaster.