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How A Douche Peels An Egg

So this is way overblown and he takes a whole minute to explain what could be said in 15 seconds but this is the best way to peel hard boiled eggs. Just pop each end and blow out the middle.

There are some who say stuffing a hamburger is downright sacrilegious. That filling a burger up is an affront to a hundred years of American hamburgery. I can’t say that I entirely disagree, but at the same time the idea of having sacred cows when it comes to making hamburgers is so ironic if I think about my head might explode. So let me give you the rundown on stuffing burgers real quick.

Firstly no cheese. I know, that’s the first thing we want to stuff into anything and 90% of stuffed burger recipes call for it. But remember that cheese has to be melted very carefully and usually within some kind of sauce like a fondue. Big hunks of cheese floating in your burger have a tendency to separate into sludge and super hot oil that will burst out and burn your mouth with the first bite. It’s just not worth it.

What you want to stuff your burgers with is fresh herbs and vegetables. Stuff that would disintegrate from the direct heat of the grill. I usually take some grape tomatoes, quarter them, toss with fresh basil(pics) in a little olive oil and stuff a burger with that.

Or if you’re in the mood for a stronger flavor I make some fresh pesto with this recipe:

• 1 cup fresh basil and parsley mixed
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese(too dry to melt)
• 1/4 cup chopped walnuts
• 1 large garlic clove
• 1/8 tsp salt
• 1/8 tsp pepper
• 1/3 cup of olive oil

Throw the whole thing in the blender or food processor and there you are.

Now the key to stuffing a burger with either of these concoctions is be gentle and not over stuff. Make your regular burger patty with 5 oz of meat then make a large indent in the center. Place a small amount of whatever you want to stuff with in the indent and then gently work the last ounce of meat over the top into a ‘cap’ of sorts. Then cook like you normally would and you’re golden.

The high priests of the cult of burger don’t believe in the stuffing and mixing that we’ve talked bout in this series. They think that a burger should be seasoned and grilled and any variety or flavor should come from sauces, condiments and discreetly applied produce. And they’re not too far off base. But even the simpler approach has some tenants we have to follow for true bad ass burger production:

• Sauces should be homemade and warm. It’s not worth your time to smother your burger in a store bought sauce(although worcester and steak sauce do mix with ground beef well) and sauces should always be warmed first. A cold sauce isn’t going to mix with the burgers juices and will end up floating on top.
• Condiments should be served room temperature. And while I don’t expect you to make your own ketchup making your own mustard is a great way to kick up your burgers. Just think about it.
  
• Veggies should be cold and crisp. Remember that tomatoes and lettuce are on a burger for contrast. And to keep that briskness they should be added at the last second. I would even suggest your soak the lettuce for an hour beforehand just to make sure it’s really ready to crunch.
• Cheese should be melted thoroughly or left the hell off. Don’t try to throw it on after the burger is already cooked, you’re only insulting the guy you give it to. Unless you want to insult him I guess.
• Bacon should be precooked. Not too crispy but definitely not soggy. We want people to break it with a bite. And for the love of all that’s holy do not try to cook it on the grill. Darwin may just have to teach you a lesson; bacon grease burns.
• Mayo vs. MAYO!!!!!! In the past I’ve advocated a thin layer of mayo on each side of the bun for both flavor and soakage reasons, but don’t misunderstand me. A thin veneer of mayo mixed with a hamburger’s juices makes an awesome sauce. Mayo piled on like linebackers on a QB does not. If you can pick out the mayo flavor in the burger you put too much. Be careful.

And tomorrow, my world famous Veggie Burger recipe.

• Previous: Bad Ass Kebab Burger
• Click Here For The Whole Series

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There’s a lot of misinformation and out and out lies floating around out there about burgers. Thin patties cook faster(they just overcook faster), lean meat is healthier(nothing healthy about a crumbly burger) and that mixing ketchup into the patty does anything but suck.

So in order to clear up the crap I hereby present to you the rules for making a bad ass burger:

1. Don’t fuck with it. This is the hardest one for people to follow. If you people feel like kneading something make bread. Over mixing ground beef just gives you tough burgers. Mix it very little and make the patties very loose.
2. I said don’t fuck with it. Put the patties on the grill and don’t touch. Don’t keep flipping them, don’t move them from a hot spot to a cool spot and for the love of God don’t press down on them. If I ever catch you pressing down on a burger while it cooks I will kill you with your own spatula.Put the patties on the grill, close the grill, wait 4 minutes(on high) and flip them once. Put cheese on at this point and then close the grill for another 4 minutes. That’s it!If you’re cooking inside you can put a metal bowl over the top of the pan.
3. The purists have a point. I don’t agree with the whole “A burger should be pure beef only” mentality, but the zealots are right about some things. With burger recipes there is a tendency to mix in more and more crap until you’re basically grilling meatloaf, and that’s not cool. So keep the mixins to a minimum, make sure they are cooked before hand and are at least room temperature so the burger cooks evenly. And never, ever put pure cheese in the middle. You’ll end up with super hot oil and cheese curd floating around in the middle of your hamburger. Not cool.
4. Do not fear the fat. I’m amazed and how hard it is for people to learn this lesson. If you’re a fat phobe then just stay away from burgers. Ideally your meat should be 80/20, that’s 80 percent leand and 20 percent fat. Any less and the burger won’t hold together. If all you have is 85/15 then you can, just this once, mix in a tablespoon of vegetable oil for every pound of beef. But you have to admit to everyone who eats at your house that you’re a douche.
5. Season well but don’t spice. Or at least not unless you intend to. The thing about salt and pepper is that in the right amounts they bring out flavors but you don’t taste theirs. That’s seasoning. I go with a half teaspoon each per pound of beef, mixed in to the patties.
6. You can’t have bad ass burgers without bad ass patties. That means you under mix, season and gently form your 6 ounce patties about a half hour before cooking so they can reach room temperature. They should be a little round so you can lightly flatten them(not smash) just before cooking. And don’t forget to make an indent with your thumb as you put them on the grill, this will stop that “burger shaped like a baseball” problem that sometimes creeps up on you.
7. Rolls matter. A good burger on wonderbread is like a Ferrari rolling on doughnuts. Get fresh baked rolls(I prefer potato) and toast them lightly before eating. I also recommend a thin layer of mayonnaise on each side of the roll as this will prevent soakage and, when it mixes with the hamburger juices, it creates nature’s perfect sauce. Just stay light on the mayo, you shouldn’t be able to taste it on it’s own.

So there you have it, the 7 rules to a bad ass burger. Follow them and a world of perfect summer grilling is yours. Break them and you’ll be cursed to an eternity of wishing you had gone to McDonalds(a fate worse than death).

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• Previous: The History of The Hamburger
• Click Here For The Whole Series
• Next: Bad Ass Chili Cheese Burgers

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photo credit: thebittenword.com
I made a batch chicken fried steak the other day and like most chicken fried steaks, it was a bit bland. Luckily chicken fried steak makes a great gravy that you can use to cover it’s own shortcomings. Kind of like an ugly chick who brings her own beer(think about it).

So I made this gravy and it was fine until I got this strange sensation. I called my doctor who explained to me that I was full. I’d never experienced such a thing but apparently 3 fried steaks is about the human limit. So I packed up the rest with the gravy and threw it in the fridge. Of course I got it out for breakfast the next morning and since I was feeling abysmally lazy I threw the whole kit in the microwave.

About 2 minutes later I had warm steaks and cold gravy :/ About 2 minutes after that I had chicken fried hockey pucks and cold gravy About 2 minutes after that I had cereal.

photo credit: ManHole.ca

It makes sense when I think about it, I just hadn’t at the time. I’m not a clear thinker before my first feeding. It comes down to what gravy is made up of:

• fat
• burned flesh
• some boiled off liquid
• some thickening agent

Now think about how a microwave works. It generates microwaves which bounce off water and generate friction which generates heat. That’s why you can put plastic in the microwave, no water == no heat.

Now you would think that the liquid in gravy would allow you to heat it in the microwave, but the problem is there’s very little water in there. I got about half a cup of gravy and I know I put 2 cups of chicken broth in there. So the fat, liquid and thickening agent(cornstarch) all added up to a half cup. Not much room for water in there, and the water that was there was tied up in the cornstarch.

photo credit: KB35

Maybe if I had put the gravy in there by itself and let it go for a while it would have worked. Or maybe mixing a little water in with it could have heated it up (although it definitely would have been gross). But I think next time I’ll just wrap the kit in tinfoil and heat it in the toaster oven. It’ll take 10 more minutes but I won’t end up eating cereal.