fatbastardeats.com

In celebration of Cinco De Mayo and in recognition of the fact that you philistines are still buying Tostidos by the gallon I made a little video to show you how easy it is to make your own tortilla chips.

Make Your Own Tortilla Chips

So I got into work Friday and the old man across from me slumps into his cube and takes out some generic, crappy, frosted protein bar. He noticed my look of disgust and apologized “Hey, it’s better than McDonalds, right?”

After I beat him to death I gave his corpse the same lecture I’m gonna give you.

Breakfast is not a meal, it’s a birthright. It was earned by our fathers and our fathers’ fathers and it is one of the greatest gifts they leave us second only to our last names and the ability to pee standing upright.

And yet so many weak, small minded guys have this impression that if a woman doesn’t make it for you then you can’t have a decent breakfast. That it’s a magical reward they conjure whole hock from an ether of love and estrogen. These guys are all single, because married men know that women don’t make breakfast anymore. But they’ve given up on life too fully to make it for themselves. So men resign themselves to a piddling of cold milk on some sugary fiber.

Well I say bullshit. Cereal is not breakfast. McDonalds is not breakfast. Any combination of the word ‘protein’ with something else is not breakfast. Breakfast, true breakfast, requires copious amounts of heat, butter and the flesh of a deceased swine.

I know you have a hundred excuses, but they all boil down to “I don’t have time” and that’s a God Damned lie. That day, I explained to the remains of my former co-worker, I had 2 eggs, 2 pieces of toast and 2 to 8 pieces of bacon(when I start eating bacon I kind of get into a zone, so it’s hard to count). It took 10 minutes of attention and 15 minutes total, you’ll spend more time in the drive through at Carl’s Jr.

The real problem is thought. Thought is the enemy of action. When you think “Should I make breakfast?” your head is already so full of unclear scenarios you don’t know where to start and eventually you talk yourself out of it. Well I know how to deal with people who think.

Here’s the agreement you and I will make. I’m going to lay out each step and how long it will take you, and you’re going to make yourself breakfast for a week. One week, following this exact formula. Once you’ve done it for a week, there’s no more need for thought. You won’t find yourself looking around the kitchen wondering where to begin, you’ll just do.

Step 1: Bacon, the cornerstone of both breakfast and happiness. Go ahead and throw some bacon in an oven as described here. I keep the cookie sheet covered with foil at all times just to make this go faster. At this point I also get out 2 eggs and the butter and set them on the counter.

Time 1 minute

Step 2: Go upstairs to shit, shower and shave. This can be a bit tricky, I know my oven gets up to temperature in 7 minutes and if I don’t mess around I get finished up in exactly that amount of time, but you may have to push some activities until after breakfast. I suggest you don’t skip the shit part, you need to make room for a hearty breakfast.

Step 3: Back downstairs, check the bacon then throw a pan over a medium flame. Spray it with Pam and crack your now room temp eggs into it. Hit them with a pinch of salt(Kosher, as always) and a few grinds of black pepper. Please don’t skip that part, unseasoned eggs taste exactly like the gelatinous sacks of fat and protein that they are. They <i>need</i> salt and pepper, and some red pepper flake if you got it.

Time 30 seconds

Step 4: Slice some bread up and pop in your toaster. And for the love of all that is holy use some real bread here. Every grocery store in the country now has their own bakery that’s producing stuff a damn sight better than Wonder bread. That stuff doesn’t so much toast as accept the cleansing flame of judgment.

Time 30 seconds

Step 5: About now you should pull the bacon out of the oven probably. If you used a cooling rack it’s good to go but if you had to let it sit in it’s own juices just lay it on some brown paper bags or newspaper. That’ll pull the grease right off.

Time 30 seconds

Step 6: Now flip the eggs(or don’t, I like mine over easy) and turn off the flame. If you had your heat right almost immediately after the flip your eggs are ready to go onto the plate. Remember, eggs keep cooking after you take them off the heat, so if you leave them in the pan they will dry out.

Time 15 seconds

Step 7: Now when your toast pops just spread on the butter(real butter, in addition to being worse for you margarine tastes like plastic and cheese had a baby) and put it and the bacon on the plate.

Time 30 seconds

Step 8: Eat.

Time 45 seconds.

I know that seems fast, but I grew up with brothers. If you didn’t eat fast you ate less, and the Fat Bastard is not going to eat less.

Step 9: Clean up. All you have to do is throw out the foil, re-cover the cookie sheet, wash 1 plate, 1 pan, 1 spatula, 1 fork and 1 knife. You can actually leave the dishes in the sink but always make sure to wash your cooking utensils and pans as you use them so you can depend on them to be ready next time. Unless you have a stack of 30 pans, then just throw this one out and grab the next.

Time 2 minutes.

There you go. 6 minutes and zero thought gets you a full gut for the morning. Because starting your day with a belly full of frosted protein is for Tijuana hookers.

Grilling a steak has all the tenets of manhood mixed together. Fire, danger, and gluttony. But too many of you savages are doing it wrong. I watch in horror as you invite me over for light beer and dried out, lifeless flank steak. I guess technically it’s supposed to be lifeless but you know what I mean.

So here are some basic principles to grilling the perfect steak:

GRADE AND CUT- The most important choice you’re gonna make. At least until dinner the next day. First know that the best cuts for grilling are T-bone, Rib Eye, Porter House and Filet Mignon. NY Strip is pretty decent but not my favorite(maybe because it has NY in it?) Basically the farther you can get from the horns and the hooves, the better you’re looking.

Next you have to choose your grade. First is Prime, which is restaurant quality and those bastards buy most of this stuff up. You might still be able to find it, if you know your butcher, but it’s hard and you can expect to pay $15-$25 a pound. Next down is Choice and that’s what you’ll usually get at the grocery store and on the counter at the butcher. Plenty good enough for me. If you’re looking at Select quality, I suggest you give up and just make hamburgers. Steak may just be beyond you. If you’re too cheap to pay for Select, well you’re out of luck. Anything lower can only be served in prisons or elementary schools.

HEAT FOR THE WIN- Before you start grilling, you want it hot. Hella hot. Super hot. If you can hold your hand 4 inches over the grill without tearing up, it’s not hot enough(Chuck Norris is excluded from this test). The number 1 reason your steaks are dry is because your grill isn’t hot enough forcing you to cook it too long.

PREPARE YOU MEAT FOR THE GRILL, LIKE A GLADIATOR FOR THE ARENA- Firstly, you should have your meat out at room temp for at least a half hour before you throw it on the grill. Cold meat does not cook well, the blood can’t move. Then liberally season your steak with KOCHER salt and pepper. You may rub a little olive oil on the slab at this point. It can help form that nice crust on the outside that we’re looking for.

Also, remember that marinades are great if you’re using cheap meat(I’m looking at you flank steak) but they ruin the good stuff. If you make me Filet Mignon that tastes like lime and tequila I will personally punch you in the throat.

DON’T COOK, SEAR- Cooking your well cut, seasoned steak on your super hot grill will take you about 3-5 minutes per side depending on: A) the thickness of your steak and B) how hot your particular grill gets. Remember to flip only once. Now how do you tell if it’s done?

Well the only way to really know is to cut it open, but that ruins the steak. Not makes it worse, not sub-optimal, it ruins it. Like getting a super model pregnant.

So you’re going to have to experiment on your grill a few times. Buy 3 cuts one night, cook one for 3 minutes per side, one for 4 and one for 5.

Note: Underdone steak is great to heat up the next morning for steak and eggs and over done steak can be cut into thin slices o make a bad ass steak sandwich.

Warning: Do not use a meat thermometer. Poking holes in your steak is a travesty, and against the law in all civilized countries. It lets all the juices out and results in a $11 a pound hockey puck.

REST YOUR LAURALS- It’s imperative that after cooking you let your steak rest for 10 minutes. 5 if you’re starving but 10 is so much better. I know you’re hungry. I know it smells good. But if you drop it on a plate and cut into it, you’re going to let all those juices out. Give them time to shore up, slow down and distribute themselves. If you’re worried about the steak getting cold wrap it in tinfoil. Not letting it rest is the number 2 most likely reason your steak is dry.

HUNGER IS YOUR SAUCE- Let me say this, now and forever. Steak sauce is for women, homosexuals and guys who lost their sense of taste in a bottle rocket accident. The caveat being that it is a good way to drown the taste of a cheaper piece of meat(I’m not above pulling meat out of the discount bin). But if you paid the money for a decent cut, don’t you want to taste it and not A1?

Note: A1 is, however, awesome mixed in with your hamburger patty.

So if you follow these principles and invite me over, I will give my blessings to your steak. And by give blessings I mean consume.

Also please make sure you call it grilling and don’t miss-label it BBQ. BBQ is it’s own special, hallowed event that I’ll talk about in a later article, not something you can do with just some propane and a metal grill.