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Here’s a great pizza burger recipe that’s also super simple but there’s a price. Really simple recipes require really quality ingredients. So when I say fresh mozzarella I mean that, not something that comes grated in a bag. And when I say 1 can of whole, peeled tomatoes I mean that, not tomato puree. And when I say a Korean prostitute with big hands and a soft voice I mean…well…you get the picture. So here are the ingredients:

• 1 8oz can whole, peeled tomatoes
• 2 cloves of garlic, at least 1 whole
• 1/4 TSP dried oregano
• 4oz of fresh mushrooms, sliced
• Fresh mozzerlla cheese, enough to cover 4 patties when slicedto however thick you want it
• 4 fresh, crusty rolls
• 1 TBS(approximatly) of olive oil
• Salt and pepper
• 4 6oz hamburger patties prepared right

Open the tomatoes and drain. Then either by hand or in a food processor dice them fine, but so there are still discernable cubes. Then run about a TBS through the blender(or food processor again) until you have a nice tomato puree. This is the part that binds the sauce together while the cubes will give a burst of tomato taste.

In a new bowl mix the tomato sauce, oregano, 1 clove of diced garlic and about a quarter TSP of olive oil. Let this mixture sit for a least an hour before you make your burgers so the oregano can hydrate.

Then cook the patties as you normally would. After that first flip place a spoonful of sauce on top(not too much) then layer the mozzarella on there and add mushrooms to taste.

Toward the end of the cooking cycle split your rolls and lay them face down over the grill. When they are nice and toasted take the remaining garlic clove and cut it in half. Pull the rolls off one at a time and brush the garlic clove against the toasted side. When they’re all off brush each with the remaining olive oil and add salt and pepper to taste(be generous).

There you have it, the most bad ass pizza burger you’re ever going to eat and with only a few simple ingredients. You’re welcome.

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True burgers are cooked outdoors, this we all know. But sometimes circumstance conspire against us(and by circumstances I mean hail). So I’d like to talk about some of the tools for making bad ass burgers inside,should the need arise:

First you want a cast iron grill pan. Cast iron because holds heat, some crappy aluminum pan will drop 20 degrees as soon as you throw your burgers in. This will turn your nice black crust into a gray coating, not cool.

And you want a grill pan because those spaces give it a place for smoke to form and rise up, flavoring the meat. You can get away with a regular cast iron pan, but this will be the best “grill simulation” you can buy.

Whatever you do never use a nonstick pan. They just can’t build a crust, you’re better off broiling them.

You’ll also want a nice metal bowl for reasons I’ve mentioned before. This one is a great multitasker, I make my popcorn in it as well.

You’ll want a good, sturdy flipper. It should be made of high grade stainless steel and should have a nice thick handle. And if you don’t take my advice on the grill pan(you fool) you’ll need one with an angle to it to get around the sides of the pan.

If you don’t listen tom me about the grill pan and you don’t listen to me about the bowl, then you’re going to need to get one of these babies. It’s a splatter guard, and it’s the best $15 you ever spent. Without some kind of cover you’ll spend more time cleaning the stove then cooking. And yes, it’s great for more than just burgers.

This kind of crap pisses me off. Over at the US Food Policy Blog they’re debating The Thrifty Food Plan Challenge.

What set me off is this:

But here is the hard policy question — hard even to ask without seeming heartless. If the Thrifty Food Plan is adequate for many, but not all, then should the maximum food stamp budget be raised?

People need to understand something. Welfare, unemployment, food stamps and the like are not supposed to make your life comfortable. They’re supposed to stop you from dieing in the gutter with a staph infection. If this program does that then there’s no need to increase it.

And in fact you shouldn’t. The easier you make it for someone to get by with your program the longer they’re going to stay on it.  These plans should just barely cover you.

And the general consensus seems to be that if you know how to cook it’s easy to get by on the program, so they lament that poor people can’t cook.  Well if you want them to learn the last thing you should do is increase the money they get, that just makes them more likely to never learn.

People need to stop codling mother fuckers. I think we should just start air dropping bags of rice into shitty neighborhoods like we did in Somalia. They’ll figure out how to cook with it real quick.

OK here’s a hella easy recipe for chili cheese burgers, but I have to warn you. It takes a little preparation. You must make the chili sauce ahead of time, don’t start working on the sauce right after you start the grill. The good thing is the sauce is fine in the fridge for a day or two so you can get it done before everyone comes over for burgers.

Ingredients:

• 1/2 cup of chili sauce, I like Cholula myself
• 1/2 an onion, diced. You can copy this guy’s style if you’re in a hurry
• 1 clove of garlic, diced
• 1 TBS of brown sugar
• 1 TBS canola oil
• 1 TBS fresh squeezed lime juice
• 2 TSP Worcestershire sauce
• 1/4 TSP Hungarian paprika
• 1/8 TSP salt
• 1/8 TSP cayenne pepper(or chili flakes if you’ve got them)

In a saucepan on med-low cook the onion, garlic and salt in the oil until the onion softens up and becomes transparent. Add the rest of the ingredients, turn the heat up to medium and cook until the sauce just starts to bubble. If you’re going to store this for later then let the sauce cool to room temp before refrigerating. If you’re going to use it right away then turn burner all the way to low just to keep the sauce warm(if you refrigerate it you’ll have to heat the sauce up again before you use it).

Cook your burgers the way you normally would. When you first flip them put a spoonful of sauce on each burger before you put on a slice of cheese(cheddar works best). Don’t go overboard, this is strong stuff. Then cook like normal for another 4 minutes with the grill lid closed. Plate and serve.

As a word of warning, these are hot. Fucking nuclear. Not for the faint of heart or bowl. But other than that good eating.

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OK, so their douches. Fine. World’s full of douches. But then they say they’re going to show you how to make your own McMuffin with the only thing worse than McDonalds English muffin, they use that cow patty Thomases. You’re better off using toast and imagining it’s an English muffin.

And then the cunts cut the muffin with a knife because “They aren’t cut all the way.” What kind of fucking tool doesn’t know that you’re supposed to fork split an English muffin? Especially one with a cooking show?

I swear to God if Darwin doesn’t get these guys in the next month or so I just may have to hunt them down myself.