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Fine, you don’t have to use buttermilk. There is another way. Are you happy? I don’t understand this unnatural fear. I know it’s not something you normally keep around the house but use it once or twice and you will. It doesn’t spoil(well, it’s kind of pre-spoiled) and it adds flavor and lift to anything it touches.

But for those of you who refuse. Those who fight and resist the way the French didn’t, there is one substitute.

You can mix a half cup of plain or vanilla yogurt with a half cup of milk. That has almost as much acidity as buttermilk, so with a ¼ teaspoon of baking soda this will lift one cup of flour. If you do go this route I would choose vanilla because at least then you’re adding a new flavor.

And stay away from any fruit on the bottom crap. They overload that stuff with sugar and that’s going to throw off any recipe you do, even if you stop short of the fruity base.

Are you happy? Is this what you wanted? You people and your fear of change makes me sick. Now stop asking me “Do I really need buttermilk for good pancakes?”

 

Any baking recipe that has eggs and hot liquids requires tempering, but very few explain what that means. Which is stupid, because it’s really simple.

photo credit: iamos

Basically, the eggs start out cold and the liquid(melted butter, scalded milk, whatever) is hot. If you just throw them together you’ll actually cook the eggs. So tempering is just mixing them together slowly.

I usually put a damp washcloth or towel on the counter and put the bowl on top of that. That way the bowl won’t spin while I work. Then I beat the eggs until they are a consistent mass, you shouldn’t be seeing the whites separate from the yellow. Then I start dripping in the hot liquid a spoonful at a time while beating briskly. You never stop mixing while you add the hot stuff, that distributes the heat evenly.

Once I’ve put about a tenth of the hot stuff in I’ll pick up container and start drizzling it in still beating the eggs like crazy. Don’t rush it. This is where the damp towel really pays off too because one hand has the hot stuff and your other is mixing.

Once about half the liquid is in the eggs the temperatures should be close enough that you can dump the rest in. Then just mix normally.

I remember the last time my brother came over for breakfast(God I hate him). As he was mowing down his third short stack he asks:

“Are these pancakes made from scratch?”

It’s not like I was in a field threshing wheat at 4 in the morning. All I did was mix up some really common ingredients, most of which have the shelf life of Joan Rivers. How does that qualify as ‘from scratch’?

The fact is the difference between pancakes from a box and good pancakes is about 5 minutes. Less if you keep a tupperware full of pre-made powder. And it’s easy. If you’re looking for somewhere to start learning how to cook this is it:

Step 1 : Dry

• 2 cups AP flour
• 1/2 tsp Baking Soda
• 1 tsp Baking Powder
• 1 tsp Salt
• 2 tsp Sugar

Throw it all in a bowl and stir with a whisk.

Step 2: Wet

• 4 tbs(a half stick) melted butter
• 2 eggs
• 2 cups room temperature buttermilk

Throw the eggs in a bowl and beat them. Then temper in the butter(it’s easy, I describe it here). Add the buttermilk(let it get to room temp first, otherwise your batter will be a bit lumpy) and mix.

By the way, buttermilk is important. You can’t just put regular milk in there and get the same results, that’s because the buttermilk is acidic and when it hits the baking soda it’s going to make more bubbles. That’s what makes real pancakes so much fluffier then the ones you make from a box.

But here’s the nice thing about buttermilk, it’s so acidic that it’s really bacteria resistant. So even though it’s got a date it almost never goes bad in the fridge. I’d say you have at least 2 months to use it past the expiration date.

Step 3: Bringing it all together

Now don’t mix the wet and the dry until the griddle is up to temperature. That’s 325-350 degrees. If you don’t have an electric griddle(you savage) then you can use the flattest pan you have on the stove. When you drop water on the pan and it skitters around like an ice skating fruit it’s the right temp.

Now the mixing of the wet and dry is the step most people screw up. Listen carefully, you pour the wet on the dry and using a broad spoon(or spatula) mix for no more than 15 seconds. I know there are still lumps, I know you think you should keep stirring, but don’t. The lumps will cook out and stirring more will just make the pancakes tough. Did you ever notice that restaurant pancakes aren’t as chewy as a flat bagel? That’s why.

Once you mix let the batter sit for 5 minutes to build up some bubbles. Then use a ladle, or if you’re in super single guy mode a cup, to drop the batter on your griddle. Don’t make the pancakes much bigger than your spatula.

This really is much easier on an electric griddle. In fact a lot of things are easier on a griddle. You have perfect temperature control and wide open spaces. Flipping things like pancakes and sliders without having to get around the edge of a pan is awesome. And you can cook 8 pancakes at a time instead of 2. This is my griddle, and I recommend it to anybody:

Then when the bubbles set around the edges flip them over. Cook them on the other side for about half the time. For me it’s usually 3 minutes on the first side and 1 and a half on the second.That’s it. A little extra mixing of ingredients you should already have and you have pancakes from scratch. And while this recipe makes more than mortal man can consume and stay conscious, these pancakes freeze and reheat perfect.

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Fucking morons. I was recently assaulted by the stupidity in this article about 10 choices to snack healthily at work. Let me give you some highlights:

4. Fage 0% Greek Yogurt or Stoneyfield Farms Low-Fat Organic Yogurt

The problem here is who eats just low fat yogurt? You’re going to add something for flavor and that something is going to be worse then just eating a damn candy bar because now you have to overcome the pungent sour of yogurt.

7. McCann’s Irish Steel Cut Oatmeal or Arrowhead Mills Organic Original Instant Oatmeal

Instant oatmeal either tastes like crap or is full of sugar and while I love steel cut oats, last time I checked you had to cook them for a half hour. What kind of snack takes a half hour?

photo credit: ulterior epicure

9. Sweet Riot Chocolate Covered Cacao Nibs (for the occasional afternoon chocolate craving)

$5 for a one ounce tin. Seriously. You can get illegal drugs for less then this. Kill your appetite and get more done. This list is moronic because it doesn’t look at why we snack, if it did they’d see that zero fat Greek yogurt isn’t doing me any good.

Why do we snack?

There are two main reasons, the first being boredom. That’s why even though you have the apple sitting in your desk you’re going to walk to the candy machine. The apple is boring. That’s also why baby cut carrots can sometimes work as a snack. They are interesting(to your mouth at least, I don’t think I’d have a conversation with one).

The second is low blood sugar. Your body is telling you it needs more fuel and your concentration is going to keep fading until it gets it.

These two facts help us figure out real quick what we don’t want at work. Nothing that will make our sugar spike(I’m looking at you snickers bar) because that’s just going to make us crash and need to eat again in an hour. And nothing we’re going to keep eating and eating and eating out of boredom because that’s going to make you feel like you swallowed a self inflating life vest.
photo credit: ??

How should we snack at work?

A few simple rules keep everything running smoothly:

• Plan to snack. Make sure you bring stuff every day and eat it before you get hungry to preempt low blood sugar.
• Regulate how much you eat by regulating how much you bring. Don’t keep a 1 pound jar of peanuts in your desk, you’ll eat the whole thing in a day. Bring it in from home a bag at a time. In fact those half-sandwich bags they have now are perfect for this.
• Make sure there are always choices. I usually have 3 snacks a day, each is different. That helps alleviate the whole boredom thing and stops me from finishing all 3 bags of popcorn at once.
• Bring things you have to eat. Stuff that will go bad in a day or so is a little motivational help to keep you from going to the candy machine.

So what’s a real top 10 work snack list look like?

1. Diced Apple: I know I’m the last person you would expect to recommend fruit and I specifically called apples boring. But something about the mouth feel of diced fruit works for that snack craving, way better than the whole thing. And it’s got enough sugar to raise your blood sugar while having enough fiber to stop it from spiking.
2. Popcorn: Not the overpriced popcorn she recommended but home popped popcorn. If you buy it in bulk it’s almost free and as long as you limit your portions(half sandwich bag) it’s a great snack.
3. Hard boiled egg: Fills you up and you won’t over eat unless you in a 1960s prison movie.
4. Baby carrots: Perfect for that boredom eating fixation with zero calories and lots of crunching.
5. 16 oz bottle of water: Along the same lines as the carrots, sometimes we’re not really hungry we just want to consume something. If I know my blood sugar can’t be low I try downing a bottle of water, that usually kills any urges.
6. Extra sandwich: This is a low effort one. If you’re already making a sandwich just make a second one, cut it up into quarters and bag each separately. This is the easiest way to keep your blood sugar at peak throughout the day.
7. Celery with peanut butter: The best of both worlds. Lots for your mouth to crunch on and peanut butter is just about perfect for staving off hypoglycemia.
8. Shrimp chips: These things are about the greatest snack ever. I sneak them into movie theaters. But don’t bring more than one bag, because you will eat them all.
9. String cheese: The one thing she did get right(although I wouldn’t buy that over priced brand she suggested). This stuff is interesting to eat and will give you a nice slow energy boost.
10. Spicy peanuts: You’ll never eat too many because you can only get as far as the burn before the snacking urge leaves you. This has the added bonus of building up your heat tolerance so the next time you go for Thai food you don’t look like a pussy.

Anyone who’s found baking recipes online has run into the dreaded:

• 220 grams of flour

Which is nothing but annoying. There’s 2 possible reasons someone might have listed it this way:

1. They’re European and don’t know any better.
2. They’re ‘real’ chef’s and insist it’s for your own good.

There are few things more irritating than someone doing something for your own good. Especially since guys like you and me are not going to go out and buy a God Damn food scale. It just ain’t gonna happen. Or at the very least it ain’t gonna happen today, and I usually want to eat whatever I’m making today.

So allow me to tell you how to fudge it. Take your flour container(and please keep your flour in an air tight container, there is nothing that ruins your breakfast like a pancake full of dead caterpillars) and flip it upside down. Swirl it around a few times and then flip it back.

This distributes all the flour grains evenly. There is a reason they want you to measure by weight, because the flour granules could be very compressed or very loose. By doing this you pretty much ensure that one cup will be 110 grahams every time. Just scoop with your measuring cup and sweep the top off with a butter knife(don’t use your hands, it will pat it down).

So there you go. Unless you do a whole lot of baking this is an easier method than a scale, if you do do a whole lot of baking then you should really bite the bullet and get one. Once my hardcore pancake addiction kicked in I bought this one: