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When I was eight my brother was six. Six and very gullible. Which is why when I gave him a bar of bakers chocolate, he ate the whole thing. I just kept saying “Isn’t that great?” He just kept nodding and wincing through the whole, disgusting bar. It was much harder, a year later, to get him to consume a habanero pepper. He was gullible but not stupid.

So began our dance, me trying to feed him more and more disgusting things and him trying to eat in peace. And through the years he’s become tougher and tougher to get. Until…

The other day I was making spicy apple mustard. My apple mustard, by the way, is awesome. It’s better than any of the “gourmet” crap you find in half ounce jars at the store. And it costs less to make then the bright yellow, congealed piss most people put on their hot dogs. All it takes it a few simple ingredients, a glass jar and some forethought. Why forethought?

Because you make it, let it sit on the counter for a week, and then move it to the fridge. As a boy they told me this was to let the flavors mingle. They lied, as I recently learned.

So I last week I was going to grill up some brats when I realized I was out of my awesome spicy apple mustard. I figured that not letting the flavors mingle for that first week would mean it wasn’t quite as good, but a lesser some is better than a perfect none. So I mixed up a batch on the counter and applied it straight from the bowl.

After I regained consciousness I did a little research. In fact the one week waiting period has nothing to do with flavors mingling, it’s all about heat dissipation. The heat you get from mustard comes from a reaction between it’s enzymes. The longer you let that reaction go, the less heat you have. The reason you put it in the fridge is to stop that reaction. So what I was really doing was letting the mustard cool down for a week, then holding it at that level of spiciness.

So began a series of painful experiments. I found out that dry mustard by itself is about as spicy as cornstarch. The reaction starts when the mustard powder is mixed with water. From that moment, for about 15 minutes it tastes as bitter and hot as a lit cigarette. From 15 minutes to about 2 hours it’s obscenely hot, but you can consume it without a trip to the ER. From 2 hours to a day is about as hot or hotter than anything you can find in a specialty store. If you are looking for a really blazing mustard(as I always am) this is about the ideal zone. Letting it sit for a week will net you a really good, flavorful, intriguing mustard. But where’s the fun in that?

My brother’s coming over tonight for brats. I think I’m gonna pre-mustard my buns with the stuff from the fridge, then mix up a bowl at the table and slide it right in front of him. I wonder how long I can get him to keep eating just by mentioning “Isn’t fresh mustard the best?”

Spicy Apple Mustard

• 4 Tbsp ground mustard powder(brown or yellow or mixed to your liking)
• A pinch of cinnamon
• 1/2 Tbsp apple cider vinegar
• 1 and 1/2 Tbsp apple cider(juice if you have to)

Mix the cinnamon, mustard powder and apple juice, then let sit for 15 minutes. Then you can add the vinegar. If you add the vinegar early, it may stop the enzymes from reacting and you might get weird “hot spots” in your mustard as it ages.

Let it sit until you reach your desired heat level(as described in the article) then move to the fridge. That’s it. Really.

Got an article on how to make your own mustard coming up that requires the use of mustard powder. While you can buy mustard powder at the store(I usually do), know that you can also grind your own mustard seeds. In fact, you can pretty much grind all your own spices. I know for must men that seems a bit too…let’s be polite and say “domestic,” but hear me out.

How many times have you bought curry or turmeric or star anis(hehe) for one recipe and then not used it for a year? Then the next time you use it(probably on the same recipe) it’s got no flavor. That’s because when you grind a spice, it’s oils and enzymes are exposed. Otherwise you wouldn’t be able to taste them. But this also means they can evaporate or oxidize if left sitting on the shelf long enough.

By grinding your own spices, they are fresh right up until you use them. And, not to sound like a cheap fuck or anything, it’s a lot cheaper to buy whole spices. A lot.

What if you don’t have a grinder, you ask? If you have a coffee grinder, than you already do. And if you don’t have your own coffee grinder, you’re missing out. Just make sure you clean it thoroughly before and after you grind the spices. You don’t want your coffee tasting like mustard and you really don’t want your mustard tasting like coffee. There are 2 ways to clean it.

• The cheap way is to put chunks of stale bread in there and grind them up. This will pick up any lose flavors.
• The less cheap way is to buy a can of compressed air(yes the stuff for computers) and blow it out real good. This way is extremely fast and bizarrely fun. Especially if someone else is around and you blow mustard dust into their face. Good times.

So we all know you marinade a tough piece of meat to tenderize it, but how does it work? The only way to make meat more tender is to add fat or break down connective tissue like gristle(hence beating it mercilessly with a mallet).

Since a marinade is something acidic like alcohol or lemon juice, you’d probably assume that the acid dissolves it. You’d be wrong.

By that logic, leaving a hunk of beef in a glass of OJ overnight would in a beefy, citrus slurry. But while the result is nearly as gross, that’s not what you get. The meat is still solid.

The trick of a marinade is that the sour activates your salvia glands when you eat it. That’s what breaks down the meats connective tissue. Your spit is full of enzymes designed to loosen the basic parts of your food and get it ready for your gullet.

I said it was true, not appetizing.

I know you buy your meat at some grocery store where the butcher is a faceless Mexican in a back room who’s retirement plan is to cut his thumb off in the ban saw. We all do. And occasionally that’s OK. But it’s a really smart move to find yourself a butcher, a real honest to God, old school butcher. Or at least a grocery store with a meat counter where you can talk to a guy instead of isles upon isles of heartless prepackaged carcass(prepackaged hearts not withstanding).

There are a few reasons for this, first the butcher is one of the original man’s men. Remember the Brady Bunch? Was Sam the butcher some sap who married a twat and took in her 3 whining, gabbing, menstruating daughters? No, he banged the maid and sent her home when he was done with her. All she got was a few free pounds of meat and a lot of double entendres. That and being up to your wrists in dead animals all day is petty much the definition of manly

Second, he knows more than you do and you can ask him questions with out shame. You can’t ask some teenager in an apron what the difference between flank and skirt steak is while he’s trying to price the Rice-A-Roni. The butcher is one of the few men you’re expected to ask questions of and it’s not an admission of weakness or idiocy. In the olden days he would be a tribal elder. The elder who always smelled of blood and entrails.

Finally, if you know your butcher he’s gonna give you better stuff. Everybody likes someone who’s interested in their job, the butcher is no exception. So when you asking him to cut you some 2 inch thick pork chops, he’s not annoyed that you don’t want what’s on the counter. He’s glad to have a customer so interested that he knows exactly what he wants. That means he’ll choose better cuts for you, maybe give you an extra half pound for free.

So next time you’re thinking of grilling a steak, find a butcher nearby and ask him what he recommends. He’ll give you his best stuff, best info and you just may make a blood splattered friend. Who’s not a serial killer.

Hopefully.