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Under normal circumstances I consider eating a large pizza all by myself an accomplishment.

There’s that point, usually when you have 3 slices to go, that it starts mocking you. “What’s a matter fatty? Eyes bigger than your stomach?”

This begets the decision. I’m full at this point, very full. It’s an odd feeling to look at food and not want to stuff it into my gullet but that’s where I’m at. It’s uncomfortable and I’m not used to it and I don’t like it. Not one bit.

On the other hand, there are only 3 pieces left. What good is that to me? If I put them in the fridge, they’ll be the first thing I eat in the morning. But that won’t be enough, I know it won’t. It never is. But I can’t very well make a full breakfast of bacon(sweet, sweet bacon), eggs and toast and just pile it on top of these 3 lonely slices. I mean that, I’ve tried.

So ultimately I take the challenge and set to work eating the pizza I have no interest eating. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding. It’s satisfying to know that once again, I’ve beaten an inanimate stack of protein, fat and simple carbohydrates. Job well done.

But then last night I had Papa Johns Pizza, and it was a different kind of challenge. Getting even the first bite of that slimy, charred yet undercooked(how did they even do that?) flattened stool sample was an exercise in will equal to withstanding water boarding. Greater, nobody charges you to get water boarded.

Papa Johns Pizza Really Sucks

The crust(I ordered a thin crust) was doughy. DOUGHY! It was like when you pull some bread out of the freezer and it’s covered with ice crystals and you microwave it, that goop that happens where the bread touches the plate. That was the support system for Papa Johns pizza. Seriously.

The cheese wasn’t even melted. Papa Johns gave me a bunch of flaccid, oily strands floating on top of dough goop. It wasn’t so much a pizza as a food-like wetland.

And yet Papa Johns Pizza managed to burn and dry out the toppings. Amazing. It’s like they sent the toppings through the oven a couple of times on their own, then threw them on top of raw dough and cheese counting on the residual heat to cook them.

Keep in mind, I’m not a picky guy. You don’t get to be the Fat Bastard by turning your nose up at food. And 9 times out of 10 when I want pizza I go the Little Caesars route(no pizza snobbery there). But Papa Johns Pizza was absolutely inedible.

And what did they charge me for this atrocity? $18.31! I guess Papa Johns Pizza charges extra for thin crust on the assumption you should be happy they’re giving you less. They have a point.

I know what I should do. I should look around for one of the local pizza places instead of messing with the chains, but I was just too lazy. The chains are usually better about price, but if I want quality I should have known better than to get Papa Johns Pizza.

So, how did you find your favorite pizza place? Did you have to follow around a bunch of fat Italian guys for a few days until they lead you there, or was it just sitting in the yellow pages, waiting?

It has been posited in response to I Love Bacon that an even easier method of cooking bacon exists in the microwave.

I am surrounded by Vandal’s and simpletons.

Look, the microwave is great at what it does; agitating water molecules to create heat. If I want to heat up a bowl of soup there’s no better choice. But don’t try and use it for what it’s not intended, particularly cooking meat. It cannot create the all important browning that meat needs because it’s essentially steaming it.

So your bacon isn’t really crisp, it’s just dry. You’ve essentially started to make bacon jerky and then quit really early in the process. I’m all for convenience but if something is worth making then it’s worth the extra 4 minutes to make correctly.

And bacon is so worth making.

I love bacon.

It’s the perfect synthesis of all your basic food groups, meat and fat. It’s welcome for dinner, lunch or breakfast. It’s great by itself, on the side or when wrapped around another food product. In fact, if you could wrap bacon around bacon you might create a nexus of awesome so great the world as we know it would end and an entirely new and perfect universe would open up. I love bacon.

Which is why when someone complains about it being too much work to make I want to claw their eyes out with a fork. They’ve put no effort into maximizing their bacon intake while minimizing the clean up. Making bacon is quick, easy and requires absolutely zero clean up.

All you need is a cookie sheet, a cooling rack and a cold oven. Layer the cookie sheet with aluminum foil(I told you no clean up) and put the cooling rack on top. You don’t technically need the rack, but it keeps the bacon out of it’s own grease and helps it brown up real nice.

Then just drop that bad boy in a cold oven, turn the temp to 400 and let it go. By allowing the bacon to heat up with the oven you’re giving it time for the fat to render off. If you’re one of those philistines who like soggy bacon, then you can pre-heat the oven and put the bacon in after. I wouldn’t do that though, because I love bacon.

How long do you cook it at 400? Well, that depends. About 2 minutes, but you have to be really careful because bacon goes from done to charcoal ribbons in about 30 seconds. Luckily this is the one case where you can keep opening the oven door and you won’t hurt a thing, so I say just keep an eye on it and don’t worry about the time.

What’s that? You’re one of those sad, divorced guys who only has a toaster oven and an I.O.U. where your dignity used to be? No problem, we can make that work too. I wouldn’t want to compound your misery by leaving you without bacon as well.

Just line your sad little toaster tray with foil, drape it with bacon and pop it in at 200 degrees. Once it reaches temperature bump it up 25 degrees every minute or so until you get to 350. By then it should be perfect.

Did I mention that I love bacon?

Nothing makes you feel quite like a moron more than carefully laying out the arguments for, and rules of, grilling a thick, juicy cut to perfection only to have some asshole invent the steak toaster. That’s right, a steak toaster.

If the thing gets hot enough then it actually would do an awesome job. If it’s just a George Foreman grill turned on it’s ear then you might as well cook your steak between two irons.

Seriously, a steak toaster.

Grilling a steak has all the tenets of manhood mixed together. Fire, danger, and gluttony. But too many of you savages are doing it wrong. I watch in horror as you invite me over for light beer and dried out, lifeless flank steak. I guess technically it’s supposed to be lifeless but you know what I mean.

So here are some basic principles to grilling the perfect steak:

GRADE AND CUT- The most important choice you’re gonna make. At least until dinner the next day. First know that the best cuts for grilling are T-bone, Rib Eye, Porter House and Filet Mignon. NY Strip is pretty decent but not my favorite(maybe because it has NY in it?) Basically the farther you can get from the horns and the hooves, the better you’re looking.

Next you have to choose your grade. First is Prime, which is restaurant quality and those bastards buy most of this stuff up. You might still be able to find it, if you know your butcher, but it’s hard and you can expect to pay $15-$25 a pound. Next down is Choice and that’s what you’ll usually get at the grocery store and on the counter at the butcher. Plenty good enough for me. If you’re looking at Select quality, I suggest you give up and just make hamburgers. Steak may just be beyond you. If you’re too cheap to pay for Select, well you’re out of luck. Anything lower can only be served in prisons or elementary schools.

HEAT FOR THE WIN- Before you start grilling, you want it hot. Hella hot. Super hot. If you can hold your hand 4 inches over the grill without tearing up, it’s not hot enough(Chuck Norris is excluded from this test). The number 1 reason your steaks are dry is because your grill isn’t hot enough forcing you to cook it too long.

PREPARE YOU MEAT FOR THE GRILL, LIKE A GLADIATOR FOR THE ARENA- Firstly, you should have your meat out at room temp for at least a half hour before you throw it on the grill. Cold meat does not cook well, the blood can’t move. Then liberally season your steak with KOCHER salt and pepper. You may rub a little olive oil on the slab at this point. It can help form that nice crust on the outside that we’re looking for.

Also, remember that marinades are great if you’re using cheap meat(I’m looking at you flank steak) but they ruin the good stuff. If you make me Filet Mignon that tastes like lime and tequila I will personally punch you in the throat.

DON’T COOK, SEAR- Cooking your well cut, seasoned steak on your super hot grill will take you about 3-5 minutes per side depending on: A) the thickness of your steak and B) how hot your particular grill gets. Remember to flip only once. Now how do you tell if it’s done?

Well the only way to really know is to cut it open, but that ruins the steak. Not makes it worse, not sub-optimal, it ruins it. Like getting a super model pregnant.

So you’re going to have to experiment on your grill a few times. Buy 3 cuts one night, cook one for 3 minutes per side, one for 4 and one for 5.

Note: Underdone steak is great to heat up the next morning for steak and eggs and over done steak can be cut into thin slices o make a bad ass steak sandwich.

Warning: Do not use a meat thermometer. Poking holes in your steak is a travesty, and against the law in all civilized countries. It lets all the juices out and results in a $11 a pound hockey puck.

REST YOUR LAURALS- It’s imperative that after cooking you let your steak rest for 10 minutes. 5 if you’re starving but 10 is so much better. I know you’re hungry. I know it smells good. But if you drop it on a plate and cut into it, you’re going to let all those juices out. Give them time to shore up, slow down and distribute themselves. If you’re worried about the steak getting cold wrap it in tinfoil. Not letting it rest is the number 2 most likely reason your steak is dry.

HUNGER IS YOUR SAUCE- Let me say this, now and forever. Steak sauce is for women, homosexuals and guys who lost their sense of taste in a bottle rocket accident. The caveat being that it is a good way to drown the taste of a cheaper piece of meat(I’m not above pulling meat out of the discount bin). But if you paid the money for a decent cut, don’t you want to taste it and not A1?

Note: A1 is, however, awesome mixed in with your hamburger patty.

So if you follow these principles and invite me over, I will give my blessings to your steak. And by give blessings I mean consume.

Also please make sure you call it grilling and don’t miss-label it BBQ. BBQ is it’s own special, hallowed event that I’ll talk about in a later article, not something you can do with just some propane and a metal grill.